Almost Perfect
by Athena Alexandria
Summary: Post-post island flashforwards. When Jack sets out to comfort Kate about Aaron, he gets more than he bargained for.
1. Chapter 1

I'm having trouble getting motivated lately, so I decided to write something completely gratuitous since it's worked for me in the past. So here it is, a kind of loose sequel to "Middle Ground". It's set some time in the future, after season six, when they've dealt with whatever they left behind on the island. Claire is still alive, so of course Kate was forced to give Aaron back to her. I should probably make a note of the fact that it's a slightly harder T than I usually write, since I wanted to try something new, but still not exactly smut... ;)

* * *

Chapter 1.

_Pensive_ was the only word Jack could think of to describe Kate's expression as he stepped out of the bathroom, into the bedroom they'd moved into together just a month after escaping the island for the second time.

She was sitting up in bed, wearing the short, silk nightie she'd bought to celebrate their first night as a normal couple, but even the briefest glance could have told him that she wasn't waiting for him.

She'd seemed fine when she came in to brush her teeth, chatting to him while he finished up in the shower, but now he saw that was just a front for whatever was bothering her. In the three years he'd known her, he'd witnessed enough of her moods to recognise when she was unhappy, and she was unhappy now.

He wasn't sure he would be able to handle the answer if she told him the problem was with him, but he decided to ask the question anyway. Then, even if things fell apart, he could console himself with the knowledge that he'd tried.

"You okay?" he checked, perching on the edge of the mattress so that he was facing her, still trying to decide whether or not he should take it personally. No one could accuse him of not giving it one hundred per cent this time: as stretched as it made him feel sometimes, he was forcing himself to make it home early enough to eat dinner with her every night.

"I'm great," she agreed, forcing a smile that was just a little too bright to be convincing.

"It's nothing," she assured him with an airy laugh when he refused to break eye contact, staring her down with a sceptical a frown. "Really, Jack. I'm fine." But she averted her gaze, smoothing the wrinkles out of the bottom sheet with her palm to avoid looking at him.

He was no stranger to her evasive tactics; she was doing everything she could think of to get him to drop it, which was exactly why he knew he couldn't let it go.

Whatever she was dealing with, it didn't seem to be about him; wracking his brain for anything else that could have caused this behaviour, he remembered something he'd almost forgotten.

She wasn't in any of the usual places when he let himself in after his shift; heading upstairs in search of her, he met her on the landing just as she was coming out of one of the spare rooms.

He hadn't given it much thought at the time because most of them were empty, but in hindsight, he realised that this had to be the reason for her depressed mood. He'd made such a habit of avoiding it himself that it wasn't hard to convince himself that chapter of their lives had all been a bad dream.

"You miss him, don't you?" he asked, testing the waters, taking hold of her hand where it rested beside her and stroking her palm with his thumb.

He was relieved when he felt her tense under his grip, and he knew he'd succeeded in striking a nerve. "Yeah," she agreed after a long silence, nodding as she scrubbed at her eyes with her fingers. "I know I should be happy he's back where he belongs, but… I really miss him, Jack."

While he'd never been able to get behind the arrangement – or the lie that he was really her son – that didn't stop the sympathy he felt, seeing how deeply she was hurting. She might not have given birth to him, but after spending more than two years as his mother, could he really blame her for succumbing to it herself?

"So maybe we should talk about that," he suggested, but she shook her head.

"What difference does it make? He's not coming back." She freed her hand from his, pulling the covers up to her chest as she tried to find a comfortable position.

He sense that this wasn't what she really wanted to say, so he decided to wait it out, and his patience was rewarded when she settled back against the headboard moments later. "You know what I really miss?" she confessed.

"No, what?" he said to show her that he was listening.

"Around the time he figured out how to get himself up, he decided he didn't like his own bed, so I'd wake up in the morning and there he'd be – in mine," she told him, smiling at the memory, and picturing this, he found himself smiling too.

"That's cute."

Her smile turned wistful. "Yeah. I miss the way he'd give me these little hugs whenever he thought I was sad. I miss reading the same book twice just because it was the only way to get him to sleep. I miss tucking him in, and taking him to the park, and how floppy he got when he was tired and he wanted me to carry him."

She lowered her eyes, and he could see the shame etched into her expression as she finished, "But most of all – and I know I shouldn't – I miss hearing him call me 'Mommy'."

One of the tears she'd been fighting broke free, sliding down her cheek; unsure how else to comfort her when it was obvious that she was grieving, he wrapped an arm around her slim shoulders.

"You can tuck me in if you want," he teased her, pressing his cheek against the top of her head as his joke managed to draw out a tiny, indulgent laugh, but these words only seemed to upset her more.

"Hey," he murmured when her chest heaved and she started to cry, feeling guilty as he pulled her against him, into a proper hug. "Hey, it's okay."

She didn't try to resist, burying her face in his neck, and he just held her, stroking her hair, until her tears slowed, and she signalled for him to let her go.

"I know it's hard to believe," he told her as he watched her compose herself, "but you won't always feel this way. You just need to give it some time."

"You're right," she agreed, looking embarrassed as she wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm. "I just need to get over it."

She seemed to expect him to say something – to contradict her? – but when he wasn't quick enough to figure out what that was, she gave up.

"Goodnight, Jack." She followed this up with a swift peck on the lips, turning onto her side and burrowing under the blankets before he had time to return it.

Watching her back rise and fall as she pretended to drift off the sleep, it occurred to him that she was mad at him, for failing to decipher whatever it was that she really wanted from him. He didn't know what else he could be doing to convince her that he was there for her: he'd tried asking her what was wrong; he'd tried listening; consoling… All that left him was begging her to give him something to work with.

He leant over her so that he could read her expression, his hand resting on her bicep. "If there's something else going on, Kate, I need you to tell me," he pleaded when he saw that she was awake, her eyes glistening with fresh tears as she stared at some point straight ahead.

She continued to pretend she hadn't heard him, refusing to acknowledge that he'd even spoken, so placing a gentle kiss against the bare skin of her shoulder, he straightened, surprised when she rolled over to face him.

"It's not just Aaron I miss, Jack," she confessed, scrambling up so that they were sitting opposite each other, her knees drawn to her chest; he finally felt like there were getting somewhere until she rushed on, "I miss the way I felt when he was with me."

He understood each of the words, but together he wasn't sure what he was supposed to be concluding from them. "How _did_ you feel?" he asked, perplexed.

She lifted her shoulders in a tearful shrug, at a loss for how else to describe it. "Like a mom. I wanna feel that again, Jack."

This time her meaning was much clearer. As he waited for this to sink in, he stared at her, stunned, willing himself not to react until he was sure that he hadn't misunderstood her. "And you think… Are you telling me you want a baby, Kate?"

He could see where she was coming from; he hadn't meant to sound so incredulous, but she seemed to take this as proof that he didn't, wrapping her arms tighter around her shins.

"I guess… maybe _one day_," she assured him, but he could feel her pulling away from him, erecting a barrier to match the physical one already between them. "I don't know what I think."

Fresh tears spilled over onto her cheeks, catching on her bottom lip, and just for a moment, she allowed him to see how vulnerable she was. "I just know it's like there's this… _hole…_ inside of me that I can't fill. I hate feeling this way, Jack. It just hurts so much."

She seemed to regret this outpouring of emotion as soon as the words left her mouth; she tried to get up, to leave the bed, but he cupped her face in his palms, holding her there, with him. "If that's what you really want, Kate, then why one day? Why not now?"

She pulled back when she noticed the change in him, narrowing her eyes in confusion. "What're you saying, Jack?"

"I'm saying let's do it," he told her, shifting his hands to her shoulders. "Let's have a baby." He would have done anything he thought would make her happy, but he knew this wasn't the reason he'd suggested it. He'd waited so long for something to happen: for them to move forward, and now it seemed like his wish had been granted.

It was her turn to be speechless. "A baby? Jack, you can't be serious," she insisted, but her voice wavered, and he could feel her trembling beneath his fingers.

"Why not?" he murmured, slipping his arms around her, grazing the side of her jaw with his lips to break down her resistance. "I love you… and I want this… I just need to know you're in it with me."

She extricated herself from him, and he saw that she was grinning, her green eyes shining with happiness. "Yeah, I am," she agreed, sealing these words with a tender kiss.

Her mouth opened easily when he signalled that he wanted to deepen it, and she pulled him down so that he was flush against her, the top of her spine pressed back into the headboard.

As his hands wandered over the silky material of her nightie, hers grasped at the hem of his t-shirt; she freed herself from him long enough to tug it over his head, dropping it onto the mattress beside her.

Once his chest was exposed, she lowered her head to trail feather light kisses along his sternum – over his heart – and back up to his neck, making him shiver as her lips travelled over his collarbone, to his shoulder, down to the inky skin of his bicep.

"I lied to you," she breathed into his ear as she worked her way back to his mouth, and he almost stopped her until she cut him off by enveloping it with her own.

"I told you one day," she explained when they broke apart, "but the truth is – I've wanted this for a _really_ long time…"

Instead of relaxing, his heart sped up on hearing these words, and he chuckled softly as he drew her back against him. "Me too."

He wanted to get even closer to her, but his angle made it impossible, so he tightened his arms around her, rolling onto his back, and they both laughed when she landed on top of him, knocking the wind out of him.

He returned his lips to hers when they got their breath back; as he continued to kiss her, she ran her palms over the firm muscles of his chest, pushing herself up so that she was straddling his waist, and with a devilish grin, peeled the nightie off and cast it to the floor.

He knew that she was trying to seduce him – to wear down his self-control – but rather than succumb, he trailed his hands up to her hips, holding her there.

"You are so beautiful," he told her, studying the unruly waves of her dark hair, her freckled cheeks, flushed with exertion, that perfect smile… The one he'd been in love with for as long as he could remember. He couldn't think of a time he'd seen her this happy. She was glowing.

Without stopping to think about what he was doing, he reached up to brush her cheek with the backs of his fingers, tracing the curve of her lips with his thumb. "I hope we have a little girl with a smile just like that," he murmured, half to himself as he tried to commit every detail of it to memory. He never wanted to forget this moment.

There were tears in her eyes as she leant forward, cupping his head in her hands and kissing him again, softer and more sweetly than she ever had before. "I love you so much," she whispered, bringing her forehead down to rest against his; her playful mood returned when, with a wicked grin to match hers, he flipped them over again so she was pinned beneath him. "Now shut up and let's find out."


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews. :) To be honest, I was hoping for a few more, but needless to say I was thrilled with how positive the responses I got were! Since most of your comments mentioned a continuation, I decided to take your suggestions into consideration and explore the situation in a little more detail. I was going to do a follow up that was shamelessly fluffy, but I hope you'll all agree that this works better in terms of plot.

Please don't forget to let me know if you liked it, especially since I went out of my way to make it extra long! ;)

* * *

Chapter 2.

"You sure you don't wanna wait 'til we get back to do that?" Jack called to Kate from the bedroom as she skimmed the instructions one last time, to make sure that she hadn't missed anything.

Three minutes. One line. No. Two lines. Yes. Maybe it was just hope combined with weeks of wishful thinking, but she had a good feeling about the latter.

"You mean after I already waited all day for you to come home?" she complained when she opened the door to find him seated on the end of the bed, fastening the buttons of the dress shirt he'd just put on.

They were due at Claire's for dinner in less than an hour: an event she'd spent the last week dreading. In fact, it had taken all of her strength not to reject the idea in the first place. But Claire was Jack's sister and – at one time – one of Kate's best friends. She couldn't avoid her forever. Her _or_ her son. Even if it still hurt her to think of him that way. "At least it'll give us something to talk about, right?"

She flashed him a nervous smile, waving the test so that he could see it. "Besides, I already took it."

His eyes widened almost imperceptibly, but he didn't call her on her impatience. "I guess we're doing it now then," he agreed, moving over to make a space beside him, but he seemed to have drawn his own conclusion ahead of time. "I just hope you're not gonna be too disappointed if the results aren't what you were hoping for."

She snuck a peek at the alarm clock on the dresser.

Two minutes.

She could feel her excitement building as she made out the beginnings of a pink line.

"We've been having sex every night, Jack – every day, too," she reminded him with an impish grin, enjoying the way he covered the flush that crept into his cheeks with a soft chuckle, as if he still couldn't believe his own stamina. "I'd say the odds of you knocking me up at least one of those times are pretty good."

"You make it sound so romantic," he teased her, pulling her into his arms, and smiling, she settled against him with the test still clutched in her hand.

One minute.

The first line had almost finished forming. One more, and she would have everything she'd ever dreamed of.

"I'm glad you're on board with this, Jack," she confessed, resting her head on his shoulder while his skilled fingers combed through her hair. "I don't know what I would've done if you didn't want a baby."

"I meant what I said, Kate – I'm in this, one hundred per cent," he assured her, his voice low and earnest.

She lifted her chin with a languid smile, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth before letting her cheek fall back against his chest.

He brushed the top of her head with his lips as he let her go, lowering his hand to check his watch. "Thirty seconds."

Thirty seconds, and everything would be different. Thirty seconds, and they would know.

The certainty she'd felt moments before began to wane on hearing this, and she felt like she was going to be sick. "You're gonna have to tell me what it says, because I can't look," she told him, burying her face in his shirt.

As his fingers closed around her wrist, she waited for him to speak, but when all she heard was his heavy sigh, the sick feeling increased. "Jack?"

One look at his grim expression told her everything, but she glanced down at the test anyway, tears welling in her eyes when she saw what he'd seen: a single pink line.

"I'm so sorry, Kate," he said softly, sincerely. "But you should know, sometimes it can take up to a year for a healthy woman to conceive – especially after going off the pill. The chances of you getting pregnant the first time were always pretty slim."

She knew he was trying to lessen the hurt by reducing it to scientific fact, but she got up before he could make it worse by hugging her, dropping it into the trash with the box. "It was stupid to think I was gonna be one those women," she told him, a pang gripping her heart as she thought of Claire. Claire with her beautiful, healthy son. _Her_ son. It wasn't fair.

"You're not stupid, Kate – you let yourself get carried away, that's all," he insisted, and a moment later, she felt him slip his arms around her waist, his chin coming to rest in the crook of her neck. She wanted to tell him to stop it, before she actually started crying, but instead she found herself leaning back into his warmth as she struggled to reign in her emotions.

"You just need to relax. It'll happen, I promise." He dropped a gentle kiss against her shoulder. "We'll keep trying, but in the mean time, I can't say I mind having you all to myself for a while longer."

She wanted to tell him that that was how she felt too – that she was grateful to have someone so understanding in her life – but as hard as she tried, it just wasn't enough.

"You know, we don't have to go tonight if you're not up to it," he told her as with one final kiss – this time to the side of her jaw – he disentangled himself from her. "I'll call Claire and tell her you're not feeling well."

He fixed her with a lop-sided grin, trying to get her to smile as he continued, "We can order take out, watch some TV – maybe even go to bed early," a hint of suggestion creeping into his tone.

While she couldn't deny the fact that she would have preferred a quiet night at home, she knew Claire would never believe that she was sick. She would know that she just couldn't face her – or Aaron – and that would just make the situation more complicated.

"It's too late too cancel on her now," she pointed out when she saw that it was almost seven. They couldn't put it off any longer. The drive across town would take at least fifteen minutes; allowing for traffic, they were already late.

"You're sure?" he pressed, trying to catch her eye in the mirror when she turned away to retouch her make up.

She threw her lipstick into her purse, forcing a smile for him as she let the way out of the room. "Yeah, let's go," she agreed.

* * *

"Good you're here! I was starting to think you weren't coming," Claire announced when she let them in, greeting Kate with a stiff hug before returning her attention to Jack. She didn't seem to know what to say to her; a dilemma that Kate could relate to.

She wanted to hear all about Aaron, and how he was settling into his new life, but she wasn't sure how to ask when the wounds were still so raw, for both of them.

Sensing the tension between them, Jack glanced over at her, then back at Claire. "I just got held up at the hospital," he lied, and Kate was grateful to him for saving her from having to explain why they were late. She wasn't sure why, but she didn't want Claire to know that she'd failed.

"How's that going anyway?" Claire agreed, taking this topic and running with it. "Did you save any lives today?"

She and Jack continued their conversation as she waved them through into the house, but Kate had stopped listening, her heart giving a painful jolt when she spotted a familiar blonde head almost hidden by the top of the couch.

He leapt off when he saw her, his face splitting into a grin. "Mommy!"

Claire trailed off mid sentence as her son launched himself at Kate, and even though she knew she should do something about correcting him, Kate couldn't help smiling as she bent down to sweep him into her arms.

If she closed her eyes, and shut out Claire's wounded look, she could almost pretend that nothing had changed; that he was still hers. "Hey, buddy. I missed you."

She wasn't aware that the tears that formed on hearing that word again after so long had spilled over onto her cheeks until she heard his voice ask, "What's wrong, Mommy?"

When she glanced up she saw that Claire had pressed her lips into a hard line; Jack looked just as unhappy but his disapproval was laced with what she knew was concern: for her, for Claire and for Aaron. They didn't want her to encourage him, but he had no idea what was happening: how was she supposed to explain it to him?

She wiped her eyes with her knuckle, forcing herself to compose herself. "Nothing, I'm just glad to see you," she told him as she let him go.

Dinner consisted mostly of small talk, followed by long moments of uncomfortable silence; the worst of these came when Claire brought out a bottle of wine.

"Oh my God," she gushed when Kate held out a hand to keep her from filling her glass, and she could practically see the wheels turning inside her head. "Don't tell me you're…" but Jack cut her off with a sharp look.

"No, I'm not," Kate agreed, a fresh wave of misery hitting her as the conversation died out.

She was relieved when the meal was over and they could make their excuses without appearing rude: Jack had an early start in the morning, and Claire needed to get Aaron to bed. It should have been Kate's job, but instead she was left feeling superfluous, watching Claire put him through the routine that she herself had set for him.

She'd always made sure that he was independent – at least as independent as a three year old could be – so Claire sent him off to brush his teeth and change into his pyjamas, but she called him out to say goodbye as they were leaving.

"What's that you've got there Aaron?" Claire asked him when he wandered into the living room carting a red, yellow and blue backpack stuffed so full of toys that he could only close the zipper halfway. "Do you want to show Jack and Kate your new bag?"

He blinked at her in confusion, as if he didn't answer the question, but she smiled as she watched him struggle to hoist it onto his back, explaining, "Every morning he gets up and he puts it on, and he asks me if it's time for him to go to preschool yet. It's really cute."

She'd been there for everything: his birth, his first word, his first steps, the first time he slept through the night; it hurt Kate to think that that was this would be the first of a lifetime of milestones she was going to miss. She would be there as his aunt, but it wasn't the same.

"I'm ready to go home now," he announced, walking over and slipping his hand through Kate's, and it was only then that his behaviour began to make sense. He thought she was there to pick him up. He thought that he was going with them.

"Don't you remember what we talked about?" she asked him, crouching in front of him so that their eyes were level. "This is your home now, and Claire is your new mommy. She's gonna take really good care of you, just like I did."

It was the best way she could think of to describe it, but nothing she said could convince him that none of this was her choice; that she would keep him in a heartbeat if she could.

"She's not my mommy! I hate her!" he complained when she stood, and Claire's eyes widened with pure hurt and shock, as though he'd slapped her.

"I wanna come home with you!" His lower lip trembled as he threw his arms around her, hugging her legs so that she couldn't go anywhere without him. "Please Mommy, take me with you! I'll be good!"

He buried his face in her thigh, and listening to him sob, feeling his tears soak through her skirt, Kate felt like her heart was being torn in two.

She couldn't bring herself to look at Claire, to see her reaction, but at that moment, she felt Jack's hand on her shoulder. "We should go," he said, his voice full of regret and sadness. "The longer you stay here, the more upset he's gonna get."

She knew that he had a point; swallowing hard, she forced herself not to cry as she knelt down again. "You need to something for me," she told him, stroking his hair. "I need you to do everything Claire tells you, okay? Can you do that for me?"

He lifted his head slowly, responding with a tearful nod.

"Good," she agreed with a watery smile. "I'll come see you again real soon, okay?"

He nodded again, and she gave him one last fierce hug before stepping back and allowing Jack to lead her out to the car.

Neither of them spoke on the ride home.

When they reached the house, Jack went into the kitchen to call Claire, and Kate headed straight up to their room, closing the door behind her to shut out his half of the conversation.

She didn't want to hear about how Aaron had cried for ten minutes after she left, or how devastated Claire was that her son hated her for taking him from the only mother he'd ever known. She just wanted to forget that any of it had ever happened. She wanted to forget how much it hurt.

She knew it would be a long time before she could sleep; she was contemplating taking a shower when she heard a soft voice behind her. "Hey."

At some point Jack had come into the room; before she could think about what she was doing, she shoved him back against the wall, fumbling with the buckle of his belt.

"Kate…" he murmured in a warning tone when she brought her lips to the underside of his jaw, covering her hands with his to slow her movements.

"I don't wanna talk, Jack," she told him before he could finish the thought, sealing his mouth with a firm kiss when he looked like he was going to argue.

"You said we could try again," she reminded him when she pulled back, tearing his shirt open once she got the last of his buttons undone and sliding it from his shoulders, "so let's try again."

* * *

Okay, so I haven't decided _exactly_ what the next chapter will be, but rest assured, I have an entire story arc plotted out (with plenty of angst and fluff and Jack being wonderfully supportive... and maybe even a Jaby as a reward) if you want me to continue! All you have to do is say the word! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews. It is a difficult situation -- it's hard to know who to feel worse for! ;)

* * *

Chapter 3.

Jack had never been so tired in his life.

Between his responsibilities at work and the pressure Kate was putting on him to give her a baby, he felt like he was being pulled in two directions at once; when he added the situation with Claire to the list, it seemed like there wasn't enough of him to go around.

After seeing how hysterical Aaron got when Kate left, he'd agreed that discontinuing these dinners was the best thing for everyone – at least for the time being – so now Claire came to visit him at the hospital and they had lunch together or took Aaron to the park. He felt guilty for lying to Kate about seeing them – even if it was only by omission – but he couldn't bear the thought of her wounded look when she realised that she was being left out.

She was so desperate to fill the empty space in her heart; he was sure she was going to take another test before they had any reason to believe that she was pregnant, only to have her hopes crushed again when it came out negative, but she seemed to have learnt her lesson the first time.

Instead, he found himself counting down the days until her next period, relieved when the date came and went and nothing happened. He was supposed to fly out to New York for a conference on the Wednesday, three days after it was due to begin, and the last thing he wanted was to leave her heartbroken and alone on the other side of the country.

"Do you think you could do me a favour?" he asked Claire when she came by his office on Tuesday, to say goodbye. Kate was two days late by then and he was on edge, waiting for the moment when she fell apart.

"Sure," she agreed with a smile, guiding Aaron's hand back to his colouring book when it looked like he was going to scribble over some of Jack's papers. "Just so long as it doesn't involve feeding your cat, because you should know, I'm allergic."

He didn't have a cat, and neither did Kate; it took him a moment to realise that this was a joke.

"Nothing like that," he assured her with a good-natured chuckle, trying to sound casual as he added, "I was actually hoping you would keep Kate company for me while I was away – you know, just stop by and say hi, maybe invite her over for coffee or something."

She'd made her position clear by refusing to bring Aaron to the house; he was disappointed but not surprised when her smile faded and she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Jack, but you know I can't," she told him, and he could see that she really meant it. She had no reason to hate Kate when all she'd done was take care of her son; she was just doing what she thought was best for her family, the same as he was. "He doesn't cry when I tuck him in anymore, it's been two weeks since he swore he hated me, and he's even started calling me 'Mummy Claire'. If he sees her now… it'll just confuse him . He needs to know who his mother is."

What she was saying made sense – he couldn't even imagine how hard it must be for her to know that she was a stranger to her own son – yet he couldn't help feeling hurt himself. She was his sister. It was a small thing to ask after everything that he'd done for her. "So that's it – you're just gonna keep avoiding her? For how long?" he pressed. He was sick of being in the middle because he wanted to be there for both of them. It wasn't fair.

There was guilt, and even shame, in her eyes when they locked on his, but her voice was defiant as she answered, "For as long as it takes him to forget her."

* * *

Claire's words were still ringing in Jack's ears as he waited for Kate to come to bed. He knew that he would have to tell her at some point – preferably _before_ the subject came up – but he couldn't hurt her like that, especially when she was already so vulnerable.

"Maybe I should just tell them to send someone else," he said, watching her sift through the basket of laundry she'd brought up the day before. His flight was at seven, so the plan was to get an early night, but with so much on his mind, he doubted he would be able to sleep.

"Why?" she asked, still not looking at him as she crossed the room to drop a pile of t-shirts into the dresser drawer. Aside from dinner – which she barely touched – she hadn't sat down since he'd been home. It worried him. She shouldn't be putting herself under so much stress.

"Because I'm not sure I like the idea of leaving you when you could be pregnant," he explained, his heart sinking when she froze, tensing visibly before she managed to regain her composure.

"If that's all it is, then you can relax. I'm not pregnant," she assured him, keeping her tone matter of fact as she finished putting the clothes away. "I got my period this morning, about an hour after you left."

He could see that she was trying to appear in control, but he knew how much she must be hurting. "You should've called me," he told her, hating the thought of her spending the day in pain. "I would've come home."

"You couldn't do anything," she insisted, switching off the light and climbed into bed. He couldn't see her expression, but when he wrapped his arms around her, and she settled into them, her body felt rigid under his touch. "It's fine. We just have to keep trying when you get back."

* * *

In the end, she convinced him to go, since there really was nothing he could do. She wouldn't talk to him about whatever she was feeling; in fact, she seemed to want to be alone.

She was supposed to pick him up from the airport on Friday, but an hour into the flight, he got a cryptic text message telling him that she had an appointment, and it would be better if he got a cab home.

She'd been taciturn and distant both times he'd spoken to her over the phone; afraid that she resented him for letting her down again, he punched her number into his cell.

The timing couldn't be worse, but he needed her to understand why – if they were ever going to have any kind of relationship with Claire – she had to let go of Aaron, and give them the chance to re-establish their bond. She needed to give them the chance to work on their own relationship as well, so that it didn't always come down to sex.

The first time it went straight to voicemail; the second she answered it with a flat "Hello?" as if she didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Where are you?" he asked her when he heard people talking in the background, and what sounded like a PA. Clearly she hadn't made it home yet.

He felt his stomach tighten when she explained, "I'm at the hospital," in the same dull tone.

Had something happened to her? To Claire and Aaron? Was she hurt? In shock? "Is everything okay?" he forced himself to ask.

"Yeah, I just had to see the doctor," she assured him; there was a pause before she elaborated, "Baby stuff."

Her choice of words sparked a glimmer of hope inside of him as he wondered if she'd lied about not being pregnant to keep him from missing the conference. "Baby stuff?" he repeated. "I thought you got your period this month?"

"I thought so too," she agreed, "but it was different – heavier. I've never had cramps that bad. Then this morning I nearly passed out, so I figured I should get checked out, in case something was wrong."

Any thoughts he had of there being a baby vanished at the mention of how heavily she was bleeding. Was she right? Was there a reason that they hadn't had any luck conceiving? Whatever the prognosis, it didn't sound good. "So what happened?" he pressed, eager for more information. "What exactly did he say?"

There was another pause on her end. "Maybe we should wait until you get home to do this, Jack," she said in a warning tone, but if the news was really as bad as she was leading him to believe, he didn't think he could wait that long.

"_Kate."_

She crumbled at the sound of her name. "He said there were traces of a hormone called HCG in my blood, which means I was—" here she swallowed hard, her voice wavering as she stumbled over the next word "—_pregnant_ at some point, but they were low – too low. He wants me to come back in a couple of weeks, but he's pretty sure it was a miscarriage, Jack."

He could tell by her sharp, shallow intake of breath that she was trying not to burst into tears. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked her gently, moving over to a quieter part of the lounge so the he could hear her response, furious at himself for listening to her. He should have guessed that that was what was happening. He never should have left her alone.

Maybe if he'd gotten her to the hospital sooner…

"Tell me where you are and I'll come get you," he insisted, figuring that he could at least be there to drive her home.

She was silent for a moment, then she said, "You should go check on your patients, Jack," deflecting both his question and his offer as she ended the call, and he knew that she wasn't.

Far from it.

* * *

He didn't think she would still be at the hospital by the time he arrived, so he hailed a cab and headed straight home, where he found her curled on her side on the couch, her eyes glazed over with tears.

She didn't move as he approached her, but he was sure that she must have seen him; he wasn't sure what to say to her – or if he should say anything at all – so he sank onto the cushion beside her and lifted her into his lap, holding her tightly against him.

She didn't respond at first, then slowly, her arms wound around his neck, and she buried her face in his chest, sobbing into his shirt.

"I'm being punished. Because of what I did," she whispered, and at first he wasn't sure that he'd heard her right. Then as her words sunk in, he thought of Aaron, clinging to her and promising to be good if only she'd be his mommy again. He thought he was taken from her because he was bad. And so did she. "Someone's trying to tell me I don't deserve to be a mother."

"This isn't you fault, Kate," he told her, rubbing her back in soothing circles, his heart aching for her and the baby they would never know. "You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes these things just happen – for whatever reason, it just doesn't work out."

If anyone deserved this it was him, for not being more attentive. For not choosing sides. If he'd been there maybe he could have stopped it.

"I don't understand, Jack," she choked out, hiccoughing as she tried in vain to pull herself together. "I didn't let him eat junk food or watch much TV – I was a _good mother_. I did everything right. But I couldn't keep him – couldn't keep this baby from dying. We never even got to be happy. How could I not know?"

* * *

Next chapter: Kate decides to make sure they don't waste any more time, a possible cameo by another Lostie, and some fluff (or at least Jack being sweet) if you just review! ;)


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks again to those of you who reviewed. This chapter was going to be much longer (and feature a conversation between Kate and Juliet), but I decided to split it up since there doesn't seem to be much incentive in killing myself. I know some of you are disappointed that this isn't another fluffy Jaby story, but as I said, I have a whole arc planned out that I think you'll all enjoy (There are a few things Kate needs to learn before she's ready to be a mother again). At least I know you'll like where it's headed. I tried to add some lightness this time around in case it was getting too angsty – please, _please_ give me something to work with here, because when I saw I only got two comments last time I was seriously considering giving this fic (and maybe even fan fiction) up.

* * *

Chapter 4.

Everything was bright. _Too_ bright.

Disoriented, Kate let her eyes flicker open, forcing them to focus on her surroundings.

The first thing she noticed was Jack lying on his side next to her, watching her, his head propped against his palm, so close that the tips of his fingers grazed her temple, smoothing a stray bang back from her face.

"What time is it?" she asked him when she saw how much light was coming in through the curtains. It had to be at least ten.

"Almost midday," he told her without glancing at the clock, brushing her cheek with his knuckle. "You looked so peaceful – I didn't wanna wake you."

Even though it was Saturday, she couldn't hide her surprise at seeing him there; he usually went in for a few hours to check on his patients before lunch. "Shouldn't you be at the hospital?"

He shifted his hand to the small of her back, leaning over so that there lips were almost touching. "There's nothing there that can't wait until Monday, so they—" he kissed her softly "—are just gonna have to do without me for one day." He kissed her again, resting his forehead against hers. "Which means barring any life threatening accidents – I'm all yours."

His dedication was one of the things she loved about him; he never shrugged everything off like that – not unless it was a special occasion and she made a point of reminding him.

He was being too sweet; too focused on her. It all came back to her then: the cramps (which seemed to have eased), the doctor, the near crippling guilt of realising that if she'd only taken another test like she wanted, it might have all turned out differently.

The last thing she remembered was being curled in a ball on the couch with her head in Jack's lap, while he did his best to comfort her; he must have brought her upstairs and put her to bed after she cried herself to sleep.

Her throat was dry and her face still felt swollen. "I know I was kinda a mess last night, but I'm okay now, Jack," she assured him; the pain had faded to a dull ache overnight. She didn't even understand why it hurt so much in the first place: she hadn't even had time to process it before it ended. "I don't need you to babysit me."

He cringed on hearing the word, but he recovered quickly, fixing her with a lopsided grin. "Can't a man take the day off to spend with his beautiful girlfriend?" he teased her, reaching over to pull her against him.

Part of her wanted to withdraw, so that he would leave her alone, but she settled into his chest with her ear pressed to his sternum, grateful for his warmth as she listened to the steady pulse of his heart.

She kept her face turned away from him, to keep him from seeing the truth, but he tilted his neck so that he could watch her expression as he added, "You know, we really should do something about that. Girlfriend just doesn't sound right. Wife – now _that_ has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

He raked his fingers through her hair, letting his arm fall back across her shoulders as he amended, "His beautiful _wife_…"

While they were yet to formalise their relationship, neither of them had made a secret of the fact that that was where it was headed: they were supposed to be starting a family together. She knew he was only bringing the idea of getting married up now to distract her; to keep her from dwelling on that, but just for a moment, she let herself be charmed.

"Yeah, it does," she agreed as she allowed his words to sink in, noting with a pang how much better 'beautiful _pregnant_ wife' would have sounded.

His face lit up with a soft, affectionate grin. "So I guess that means I should do something about getting you a ring," he told her, cupping her jaw in his palms and lifting his head so that he could kiss her.

The way he touched her made her feel like she were made of glass: fragile, delicate; when she could see that he was holding back, reluctant to let it go any further, she rolled on top of him, trying to get him to respond, but he stopped her before she could act on the impulse that seemed to be coming from somewhere outside of herself.

"Whoa, hey, hey," he murmured, his fingers wrapping around her elbows, pushing her away gently. He set her down on the mattress beside him, his expression grave as he sat up, running a hand over his face. "I'm not sure that's a good idea in your condition, Kate."

"My condition? I'm not pregnant anymore, Jack," she reminded him, sitting up herself, annoyed and relieved at the same time. She wasn't really in the mood – in fact, if she was honest, it was probably the last thing she wanted to do – but she wasn't sure what else to do with herself; how to make the pain go away.

"I know, Kate, and I'm sorry," he agreed, his dark eyes full of regret, "but even if we had sex that wouldn't change. It's gonna be at least two weeks before you're ready to conceive again, and even then, it might still be too soon."

She could see where he was going with this: he didn't think she could handle another pregnancy right away – even a successful one – but she couldn't help asking, just so that there could be no misunderstanding. "What're you saying, Jack?"

"I'm saying I think we should wait before we try again—" he explained, cutting her of before she could voice her horror over this suggestion "—not forever, but at least one full cycle, which is what I'm sure the doctor advised."

She didn't want to encourage him by telling him that he'd given her the same speech, in less sympathetic terms. "That's _six weeks_, Jack," she pointed out, struggling to contain her misery at thought of spending another two months resenting the women she saw on the street, in the grocery store, at the park – women like Claire, who didn't seem to realise how lucky they were.

"Which seems like a long time, I know," he agreed, slipping his arm around her waist, tracing small circles over her hip with his palm, "but I just wanna give us the best possible chance."

"So maybe we should see someone…" she suggested, afraid that even after putting herself through that torture, it wouldn't work, and she would be right back where she started.

"And they'll tell us to come back in a year," he insisted, setting his jaw, making it difficult to determine whether it was the doctor or the man who was so dead set against it. Did he really think it was that unreasonable, or was he just afraid of what they might hear?

"We don't need to see anyone, we just need to be smart about this," he told her, softening once he saw that she wasn't going to push the point. "We'll get you as healthy as we can, get you some prenatal vitamins so your body's ready when you do get pregnant again… We just have to take it one step at a time, starting with getting you better."

"So that's it?" she asked him, her heart sinking when she realised there wasn't going to be a discussion. As much as she hated giving him that much power, she knew there was nothing she could do if he wasn't going to let her win. She couldn't have a baby without him. "You're putting your foot down?"

"I'm putting my foot down – at least for now," he agreed, the corners of his lips quirking into a smile. "You wanna change my mind, then you need to _rest_." He kissed the top of her head and took his arm back, using it to stand. "I'll go get you something to eat."

She knew he meant well, but she didn't want to lie around all day wallowing. That would only make her feel worse. "Jack, I can't," she called after him as he was about to leave. "I need to do something or I'm just gonna lie here thinking about it."

With her eyes she pleaded for him not to leave her alone; she wanted to go downstairs with him, to lose herself in something as mundane as making breakfast, but he seemed to have other ideas.

"Okay," he agreed with a smile, climbing back onto the bed and crawling towards her. "So what if I rest with you?"

She smiled back as he wrapped his arms around her and they settled with him spooning her, his cheek resting against hers, feeling happy for the first time since she'd woken up that morning. "That's better."

* * *

Next chapter: Jack talks to Claire, and Kate talks to Juliet... ;)


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks for the reviews. Still not as many as I was hoping for, but they really helped, so I'm going to keep writing for you guys. :)

Once again this chapter ended up being longer than I anticipated, so I halved it to make it neater. The second part (one of my trademark awkward conversations between Kate and Juliet) is pretty much done, so be good and review and you should get it in a day or so... ;)

* * *

Chapter 5.

After the fitful night they'd had, Jack was relieved to see Kate sleeping so soundly.

He was bracing himself for more of a fight when he suggested to her that she should rest, but the ordeal seemed to have exhausted her, and she dozed off again in his arms shortly after, staying out well past sunset.

It was the first chance he'd had to digest what had happened, and to sort out his own feelings; it wasn't until that moment that he realised how different it was to what she'd gone through with Aaron. That was her loss, but _this_…

This was theirs.

As a doctor, he knew there was nothing to mourn. There was no heartbeat, no brain activity… Nothing to make it human; _real_. Just a collection of cells.

But as a father, and a man, he couldn't help sharing her grief over what they might have had: a little boy or girl with her smile and his eyes that he could have taken to football games and ballet recitals and raised better, and with more care, than his own father had raised him.

It hurt him to think that he might never get that chance, but it hurt him even more to see how affected she was by the belief that she, and not nature, was to blame.

He'd never seen her as careful with herself as she had been in the weeks before she decided that she wasn't pregnant; he couldn't think of a single thing she could have done – or not done – that would have changed the outcome.

He started when the shrill of the phone cut into his thoughts, reaching across her to pick it up before it erased all of his hard work.

"Hello?"

He regretted it as soon as he heard the familiar accent.

"Good, you're home. I didn't want to have this conversation with you on your mobile, and I was afraid you'd still be in New York." It was Claire, and she sounded relieved that it was him who had answered.

"Can you hold on a sec? I'm gonna take this downstairs," he told her in a low voice, glancing back at Kate to make sure she was still asleep.

Her eyes were closed, her chest rising and falling steadily; she didn't appear to have heard him, or anything, for that matter.

"Sure," Claire agreed with an air of impatience as he freed himself from her limp form, careful not to disturb her, and replaced the receiver in its cradle.

"Okay," he said once he was in the kitchen, out of Kate's earshot. He wasn't in the mood to have another argument with her, but he sensed that she would just keep calling back.

She didn't wait for him to say anything else before launching into a tirade that, if he didn't know any better, he would think was rehearsed. "Listen, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what I said the other day. I know it sounds harsh, but—"

He waited for the apology to begin, but when it sounded more like a justification, to get him to come over to her side, he cut her off. "I can't really do this right now, Claire. Kate just had a miscarriage, so you might wanna think about cutting her some slack."

There was a lengthy pause on the other end of the line, and then Claire whispered, "Oh Jack, I'm sorry… I can bring Aaron over later if you want. I know she misses him – it might make her feel better."

But it wouldn't. It would only hurt her more, and make it harder for her to accept her situation. "Great idea," he snapped. "Remind her of what she just lost." As soon as the words left his mouth he realised how unfair this was, but it was too late to take them back.

"I was only trying to help, Jack," Claire told him, the wounded note in her tone making him feel even worse.

He hadn't meant to lash out at her like that, he was just tired: tired of fighting, tired of being the go between, tired of all of it. Maybe his father was right, maybe he didn't have what it took to be all of those things: doctor, partner, father, brother… "I know," he agreed.

Claire's attitude towards him changed as she seemed to pick up the strain in his voice. "You sound like you could use someone to talk to," she said with the natural sweetness he'd always found endearing. "Maybe I should just get a sitter and come over myself."

It was tempting, the thought of having someone to unload all of his issues on, but he knew that it wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't change anything, or improve it, and he couldn't tell her the truth: not when so much of it was about her.

"Thanks, Claire, but I got it," he told her. "I'll call you later in the week."

As he hit the end button, he heard soft voice behind him.

"Jack?"

He turned to see Kate standing at the entrance to the living room, dressed in a pair of sweatpants and one of his old shirts, her hair mussed, the comforter draped over her shoulders. She looked better – less depressed and out of it – but still not like the tough, vibrant woman he'd fallen in love with.

"Who was that? Not the hospital?"

She seemed apprehensive at the thought of him leaving her; he wanted to assure her that he wasn't going anywhere, but if she found out he was still having contact with Claire, she'd ask about Aaron, and he didn't think she was ready for that conversation.

As much as he hated lying to her, if was for her own good: she'd given him an out so he decided to take it. "Possible lumbar fracture, but it's okay. I told them to give it to somebody else."

He could see she wasn't happy about him neglecting a patient on her account, but to his relief, she didn't seem to find anything wrong with his story. "Okay, if you're sure you don't wanna rush over there…"

Closing the distance between them, he pulled her into his arms, burying his face in the side of her neck. "I told you, you're my number one priority today, Kate," he reminded her, his voice muffled.

She let out a soft laugh as his breath ticked her throat, stepping back with a grin that convinced him that the old Kate – the Kate that he missed – was still under there somewhere. "In that case, you said something before about getting me something to eat?"

He had a vague recollection of telling her something like that, though it felt too long ago to be that morning. "I did, so why don't you go sit down, and I'll make you whatever you want," he instructed, finding that he was smiling back, his heart warmed by the fact that she was making an effort. He wasn't sure he could take it if she decided to stay in bed for days, starving herself, and refusing help.

"Whatever I want?" she repeated, cocking her head in thought as he put his hands on her shoulders and steered her towards the couch. "Can you make me pancakes?"

He couldn't help but find her childish enthusiasm adorable; breakfast was long over, but since she'd just woken up, and she was willing to wave the strict pregnancy diet she'd put herself on, he decided to humour her.

He kissed the tip of her nose when she wriggled out of his grip, settling herself where she could still talk to him. "Sure."

* * *

Next chapter: Juliet (and then, in chapter 7, a turning point)... ;)


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews. As always they were lovely and insightful and contained some interesting points that I plan to address later in the fic.

I'm not going to harp on about the fact that, for some reason, I'm getting more hits than ever and fewer comments because I don't see that changing, but on the subject of "lurkers", I just want to point out, for those of you who haven't experienced it, how hurtful it can be when people manage to find the time to review some fics on a regular basis and not others. Or when people favourite something or put it on alert but never offer any feedback. I know my writing isn't bad, and even though my fics can get a little angsty, I know you all know that there's _always_ a pay off. I also pride myself on being a good reviewer, since I leave detailed feedback as often as I can. I don't expect everyone to review every chapter because lets face it: we all have lives. It's when everyone collectively decides to stop reviewing, and the review count drops by half, that I'm left wondering what I'm doing wrong. I've tried updating more. I've tried updating less. I've tried just writing a good story, I've tried cliffhangers, fluff, pushing myself outside of my comfort zone when it comes to sex. Short of packing each chapter with gratuitous smut I have no idea what else I can be doing so if you do, please tell me. Criticism is welcome so long as it's constructive.

I could hold this chapter for ransom, but since it's Thursday, I'm in a good mood. ;)

* * *

Chapter 6.

When Kate went back to the doctor, it was with little hope; sure enough a second blood test revealed that all traces of HCG had vanished from her system.

If she were ever pregnant, she wasn't anymore.

Or likely to be any time soon.

Despite the fact that she'd followed Jack's orders by resting and doing her best to relax, two weeks later he still hadn't changed his mind, no matter what tactics she employed to change it for him.

The harder she tried to get him to sleep with her, the stronger his resolve not to, regardless of what did to wear down his resistance.

"Jack, I'm _fine. _The doctor gave me the all clear," she complained when he baulked for the third night in a row, huffing an exaggerated sigh as he rolled off of her.

He hadn't objected when what started as a goodnight kiss turned into a fervid attempt to rid him of his clothes, helping to strip her down to the lacy black underwear she'd bought for the sole purpose of breaking him before he remembered why he hadn't wanted to have sex in the first place.

"If you keep this up, Kate, I'm gonna have to start sleeping in the guest room," he told her, pushing himself up on one elbow and hitting his pillow as he tried to get comfortable.

She knew that he was turned on; that he wanted her, more than he would ever let on. He had to be going out of his mind. "Come on, Jack," she murmured, her lips brushing his ear. "Just do this for me."

He closed his eyes, losing himself in the sensation as she embraced him from behind, nuzzling the bare skin of his shoulder, but seconds later he tensed and pushed her away.

"You just stopped bleeding after losing our baby," he reminded her when she flopped back onto her own side of the bed, sighing again in frustration.

He wasn't the only one going crazy.

Seeing how upset she was, he pulled her towards him, wrapping her in his arms. "I know you don't like it—" he kissed her temple as she settled against his chest, knowing that she wasn't going to get anywhere tonight "—but you just need to give it a couple more weeks. Then I promise we'll try again."

She could feel another month slipping away from her, but every time it seemed like they were making progress, he shut down, and she couldn't convince him to go any further.

He wouldn't let her talk to anyone either, so when she couldn't stand waiting anymore, to see if he was right and it was just bad luck, or something less random, she decided that she was out of options.

She needed to hear it from a specialist: someone who knew all the ways it could have gone wrong.

Someone like…

Juliet.

Jack hadn't made any secret of the fact that he'd kept in touch with her, at least for the first few months; it had bothered Kate in the beginning, but he still spoke to most of their friends from the island, so there was no reason to think it was anything more than concern about how she was adjusting.

There was a list of contact details in his office; she knew he would probably give it to her if she asked, but she wasn't sure how to explain why it was so important to her, so she waited until he left for the hospital to retrieve it.

Juliet's was fourth from the top, after the other As and Bs. Her hand was shaking as she punched in the number for the clinic she worked at. It was months since they'd spoken, not since they left the island: she had no idea how she was going to react to her asking for a favour when they'd never been the best of friends. The only thing they'd ever had in common was Jack and Juliet had to be bitter about losing him.

"Juliet, hi. It's Kate," she said, forcing a conversational tone as she settled back on the couch.

"Kate? Wow," Juliet repeated with a startled laugh, and Kate realised that she was probably the last person she expected when she picked up the phone. "I haven't heard from you in a while. How have you been?"

She couldn't tell whether Juliet was really interested, or just asking out of habit, so she decided to get straight to the point. "Pregnant. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago."

The words hung in the air as Juliet tried to figure out what she was supposed to do with this information. "I don't really know what to say," she confessed at last. "How far along were you?"

She was trying to be sympathetic, but sympathy wasn't what Kate needed from her. She got enough of that from Jack: so much that she was starting to feel like one of his patients. "I don't know. Not far."

There was another awkward pause before Juliet seemed to decide that she had an ulterior motive for calling. "Is there something I can help you with, Kate?" she asked, dropping all pretence of polite interest in her eagerness to find a way out of the conversation.

Rather than insult her intelligence when they both knew that she knew, Kate figured it was best to come out with it. "Yeah, actually, that's why I called," she told her, feeling guilty as she added, "This might be a little weird, because I know you have a history, but Jack and I are trying to have a baby."

For a moment Juliet was silent, and Kate was afraid she was going to hang up, but then she said softly, "Hence the miscarriage." She sighed, an impatient note creeping into her voice as she said, "I'm sorry, Kate, but I'm not sure what you expect—"

"I'm not asking you to do anything, I just want to talk," she assured her before she could get the wrong idea. "You're a fertility expert, so I just thought you might have some advice. I've tried to get Jack to come with me to a specialist, but he seems to think everything's fine – that it'll just happen."

Juliet seemed to relax once she knew that she wasn't recruiting her to help her get pregnant again, at least not directly. "And you don't?"

"I don't really know what I think," she confessed. "I just know I can't go through that again." She couldn't lose another child: she wasn't strong enough. The day she gave Aaron back to Claire, she felt like a little piece of her had been ripped away. When she discovered that she'd lost her own baby, that feeling only got worse. Soon there would be nothing left.

"How long have you been trying?" Juliet asked her, switching over into doctor mode.

"About two and a half months."

Juliet couldn't seem to keep the surprise from her tone as she told her, "That's really a _very_ short amount of time, Kate. There's no reason you should be worried – unless there's something you're not telling me. Before the miscarriage, had you ever been pregnant?"

"No," Kate agreed. "I thought I was a couple of times, but no – never."

"Had you ever _tried_ to get pregnant?"

"No."

She drew in a deep breath, rushing on so softly that she wasn't sure Juliet would be able to hear her, "But I don't understand why I wasn't – on the island. Jin was sterile and he and Sun managed to have a baby. If I couldn't, there must be something really wrong with me."

This was one fear she didn't have the heart to share with Jack, knowing how much it would hurt him to think that there was a part of her that was disappointed that she hadn't gotten pregnant there. It wasn't that she really wanted Sawyer's child when that would only complicate things, she just wanted to know that she could. That it wasn't hopeless.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Kate," Juliet told her. "You were just lucky."

But this did nothing to end her misery. "Then why don't I feel lucky?"

Juliet didn't answer; when she spoke again, it was in a careful tone. "I hate to say it, Kate, but sometimes age can be a factor."

That couldn't be it. "I only just turned thirty," she argued. "I thought I had at least five more years before I had to worry about any of that."

"I wasn't talking about you," Juliet explained gently, and suddenly it made a lot more sense. "Years ago, we thought only the mother's age was important, but we know now that the age of the father can affect the chances of conceiving. Jack's older, so you may have to accept the fact that it could take a while."

The fact that this could be a problem wasn't something she'd considered; the idea that if he were ten years younger, they could be on their way to being parents was devastating to say the least. "How long?" she pressed. The longer it took, the less likely it was that she would ever be a mother again.

"I can't tell you that, Kate," Juliet insisted. "Not with any certainty. It could be a month, it could be a year – it could be two. If I had something to work with, I might be able to give you a better indication, but you're just going to have to take my word for it when I say be patient – it'll happen when the timing is right."

Her words didn't exactly imbue Kate with confidence, but she knew there was worse news she could hear. "Is there anything I can do to make that sooner rather than later?" she checked.

Juliet sighed. "I'm better at working with samples _outside _the body, so I'm not sure I'm exactly qualified to give you advice," she confessed with a self-deprecating laugh, "but there're a few things I've heard help."

Her voice took on a mechanical note, as if she were delivering a spiel rather than actually paying attention to what she was saying. "Try to avoid having sex too frequently – at least on the days you're not ovulating – and even then it's probably not a good idea. When you do, you can try staying in bed for twenty minutes afterwards, keeping your hips elevated – just slide a pillow under your lower back.

"Other than that, it's all common sense – take care of yourself, watch what you eat, don't drink and stay away from drugs, even prescription medication unless you've been advised that it's safe. Make sure Jack does too.

"If everything goes to plan, that should guarantee you a healthy baby."

"That's all?" Kate asked her with a sceptical frown. She made it sound so easy. It seemed like there must be more to it than that.

"Off the top of my head," Juliet agreed. "I'm sure there are books you can read or websites you can go to. You might want to think about talking to your doctor – or Jack."

It seemed like she couldn't wait to get off the phone, and back to whatever she was doing. "Does he know we're having this conversation, Kate?" she asked, her clipped tone suggesting that she already suspected the answer. "You said he didn't think there was a problem."

"No, he's at the hospital," Kate lied so she wouldn't have to admit that she was right, "but I'll tell him about it when he gets home."

She couldn't tell whether or not Juliet believed her, but if she didn't, she didn't push the point. "Good, because I wouldn't want to come in the middle of anything. You should know – this really isn't any of my business."

"Well I hope that helps," she told Kate, breaking what was almost a companionable silence. There wasn't much left for them to say except goodbye.

Only time would tell if it had. "It's a start," Kate assured her, and this time it wasn't hard to muster the sincerity in her tone. "Thanks Juliet."

She could hear the smile in Juliet's voice as she said, "You're welcome. Oh, and Kate? Good luck. For what it's worth, I think Jack's going to make a great father."

* * *

Next chapter: Kate takes Juliet's advice, and Jack gets assertive... (If I promised you a Jaby soon, like in about four or five chapters, would that satisfy everyone?!) ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks for the reviews. It freaks me out how well this story ties in with 4.10... That said, you might have seen in the summary that I've decided to include some spoilers from now on. If you hated the ending, you'll probably hate this chapter too, but keep in mind, it was planned from the beginning! It actually killed me to do it today, but it had to happen for the story to progress. Once again, this is a harder T than I usually write... ;)

* * *

Chapter 7.

More than a month had passed since Kate's miscarriage and she seemed to be doing better, though around the time that they would have scheduled her first ultrasound appointment she was quieter than usual.

It felt strange to make another formal proposal when they'd been down that road before, but Jack wanted to keep moving forward this time, so one night at dinner he presented her with the ring he'd promised: a new ring for a fresh start.

"I knew you were serious about getting married, Jack, but you didn't have to do this," she told him when he knelt in front of her chair to slide it onto her finger, but he couldn't help noticing the elated smile that played at the corners of her lips each time she glanced at it, as if to make sure she hadn't dreamed the whole thing.

That night they made love for the first time in weeks, and afterwards, as she drifted off in his arms, her face pressed into the side of his neck, Jack was sure that he'd never been happier.

While he couldn't deny the fact that he wanted a baby as much as she did – maybe even more because he'd never felt the same connection with Aaron – he knew that this was all he _needed_. As long as he had her in his life, he could live with the disappointment of not being a father.

He just wished he could convince himself that she felt the same.

* * *

It was late, but Kate was still up; Jack smiled when he wandered into the living room to find her lying on the couch in her pyjamas with a book open against her thighs. "Hey."

"Hey." She tore her eyes from it long enough to greet him with a lingering peck on the lips before turning the page.

"What's that you're reading?" he asked her, dropping onto the cushion beside her while she stretched her legs across his lap.

Whatever it was, it seemed to have her engrossed; when she didn't appear to be paying attention, he leant over her, lifting the cover so that he could see it.

He wasn't sure how to react at first. Surely she was aware of how unhealthy this obsession was becoming? For her, and for their relationship?

"I hate to say it, Kate, but you're not expecting," he reminded her gently, but he could see the hurt that passed through her expression.

"I know that, Jack," she assured him, her tone sharp; wounded. "I just wanna be ready next time like you said."

Once he understood that she was still beating herself up over the miscarriage, he was ashamed of himself for rubbing it in, even if all he'd done was point out the truth.

Closing the book, he slid it out of her hands and set it on the coffee table, moving up her body so that he could murmur against her ear, "So why don't we do something about that?"

He pressed a soft kiss beneath it, trailing his lips along the edge of her jaw, and she relaxed, grinning as her arms and legs came up to wrap around him.

"You know, I haven't made out on the couch like this since high school," he told her between kisses.

"Me either," she confessed with a breathless laugh, her eyes drifting closed when he pushed the straps of her pyjama top down to nuzzle her shoulders.

She was so beautiful; sometimes he still couldn't believe that she'd chosen him. That she was marrying him.

"So how about it?" he teased her, bringing his mouth back up to hers so that he could kiss her again. "You wanna go all the way?"

It was meant to be a joke, since he thought that was what they were already doing, so he was confused when she braced her hands against his shoulders, pushing him off of her.

"Jack, we can't," she told him, her eyes full of regret as she scrambled up against the back of the couch, adjusting her clothes.

"You still want a baby, don't you?" he checked, just in case she was having seconds thoughts.

"Yeah," she agreed with a vehement nod. "More than anything. That's why we can't do this."

The look of her face told him that this should be obvious, but he more he tried to understand her reasoning, the more bewildered he became. "This isn't exactly my area, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure you need to have sex to get pregnant, Kate," he reminded her.

"And we did, last night. That means we're supposed to wait until at least tomorrow night," she explained, and as he finally grasped what she was saying, he found himself growing frustrated again.

"You wanna start _scheduling_ sex, Kate?" he insisted, reaching up to massage his brow with the heel of his palm. Last he'd heard, they'd agreed they weren't going to force it, they were just going to wait for nature to take its course. "What about just letting it happen?"

"We haven't been having much luck, so I thought we should try something different," she said, still in the same reasonable tone. "I thought this is what you wanted? You're the one who said we should have a baby."

What he _wanted_ was one night where he could just enjoy being with her without having to worry about whether or not he'd done his job; about whether or not she would resent him if another month went by and she still wasn't pregnant.

"So you just decided this yourself? Were you ever gonna let _me_ in on it, Kate?"

She narrowed her eyes, frowning, as if she couldn't understand why they were fighting. "What d'you mean? I just told you."

She seemed clueless as to why he was so upset; why he couldn't commit to more heartache. She wasn't listening either, so since she'd made it was clear that nothing further was going to happen between them, he stood, stalking past her to the foot of the stairs.

"Wait, where're you going?" she called after him. "Talk to me, Jack."

"Upstairs," he told her, ignoring this. "To take a shower."

A _very cold_ shower, just like in high school.

* * *

She made up for it the next night by cooking for him, and allowing him to take her straight up to bed, but as her fingers worked the buttons of his shirt; his belt; the zip of his fly, undressing him, he couldn't shake the sense that she was just going through the motions.

He couldn't remember a time when he'd felt this disconnected from her, especially when she freed herself from him as soon she'd finished catching her breath.

"What're you doing?" he asked when she pulled his shirt on over her underwear, struggling to keep the exasperation from his voice as he watched tuck one of the pillows beneath her.

"I'm raising my hips," she told him as she settled flat on her back, flashing him a bashful grin, her dark curls fanning out across the mattress around her. "I heard it's supposed to help you get pregnant faster. Something about gravity."

It sounded crazy, like an old wives' tale, but once he got over the disappointment of not being able to hold her for just a little while longer, he couldn't help finding it absurdly cute.

"Oh yeah? And where did you hear something like that?" he asked her with a dubious smile, lying back beside her so that their faces were level.

"I just read it," she told him, shifting her eyes to the ceiling, but while her expression remained neutral, he knew her well enough to know that she wasn't being truthful. "Online."

"Kate?" he prompted. "I thought we agreed to wait at least a year before we saw anyone?"

She continued to stare straight ahead, her throat bobbing as she swallowed. "I didn't talk to a specialist, Jack. I talked to Juliet. She was the one who suggested it."

"Why would _Juliet_ give you advice on getting pregnant?" he pressed, his voice rising sharply as he forced himself to sit back up, even though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer.

"Because I asked her to," she confessed as she pushed the pillow aside and followed suit. Her tone was wary, but not timid; it was clear that she didn't think she'd done anything wrong.

And maybe she hadn't, but that did nothing to prevent the anger he felt at knowing that she'd gone behind his back.

With Juliet of all people.

He wasn't sure why – maybe it was because he'd almost dated her – but knowing that she knew how much trouble he was having getting Kate pregnant bothered him.

"Why would you do something like that?" he retorted, fuming as he yanked his boxers on and slid out of out of bed. "I told you I didn't want a third party involved, so you went ahead and called someone we actually know?"

"I was just trying to help, Jack," she complained, sinking back against the headboard with a frustrated sigh, but he wasn't interested in hearing another one of her excuses.

"Goodnight, Kate," he told her, pulling a spare comforter from the closet and heading for the guest room next door.

* * *

When the situation didn't improve, Jack began to feel like his life was slipping out of control.

Everywhere he looked, he was failing: by dodging more of Claire's calls than he answered, by struggling to make Kate happy, by not being able to save everyone…

The worst of these days came when, after an eight hour surgery, his patient's heart gave out and he slipped into a coma. It was a long time since he'd felt that hopeless: not since they'd managed to cut ties with the island.

"You okay?" Kate asked that night after dinner when she came downstairs after taking a shower to find him brooding in the living room.

"Just tired," he agreed, rubbing the back of his neck. It felt like it was on fire, the fire spreading down into his shoulders, all the way to the base of his spine. "You remember Mr. McAllister? The guy with sixteen grandchildren? And eight great grandchildren?"

She nodded. "I remember you said you liked him."

"Well he didn't make it," he confessed.

"I'm so sorry, Jack," she told him, touching his arm gently. "I'm sure you did everything you could."

He hadn't – he was burnt out and distracted – but he knew it wouldn't help to dwell on it; right now all he wanted was to be close to her.

He put his hands on her waist, pulling her down onto the couch beside him. "I don't really wanna talk about. I just wanna sit here for a while. We can watch a movie or something – you can choose."

Instead of listening to him, she got up onto her knees and moved behind him so that she had one leg on either side of his hips. "You know what else might help?" she murmured, close to his ear.

He tensed as she started to unbutton his shirt, sliding it down off of his shoulders, but rather than move on to his pants, her fingers found the back of his neck, slowly working the knots out of each of his muscles.

"Mmm, that really does," he agreed, closing his eyes, letting the sensation of being taken care of wash over him. "Has anyone ever told you how good you are at this?"

"Once or twice," she teased him, massaging his shoulders; the tops of his biceps; his back, caressing each spot with her lips before continuing on.

But when he felt her hands slip around to his chest; his abs, and lower, he grew wary again.

"Not tonight, Kate," he told her, removing them with a sigh before she got it into her head that he was encouraging her. "I think I just wanna go to bed early."

"Jack, _please_. I've done the math, and if I'm ever gonna get pregnant, it's in the next few days," she pleaded, her desperation setting him on edge.

He couldn't deal with this now. He couldn't deal with much of anything.

He was too exhausted to fight with her. "I told you, Kate, it was a long day. I'm tired. Tomorrow," he promised, kissing her forehead, but when he moved to get up, but her fingers closed around his elbow.

"We can't afford to waste any more time, Jack," she insisted. "You're already over forty – if we don't do this now, it might never happen."

At first he thought he must not have heard her right. "So what you're saying is, it's my fault?" he snapped once her words had sunk in, unable to resist getting in a jab of his own. "Juliet tell you that too?"

He expected her to get angry, but instead she looked flustered, and he wondered if she'd had any idea he would take it that way. He wasn't sure which of the two possibilities was worse: that she would say something that cruel because he wouldn't give her her own way, or that she didn't even seem to realise how hurtful it was in the first place.

"No I just… please, Jack. Why can't you just do this for me?"

He realised then that he should have put his foot down a long time ago, before things got this far. "All I ever do is what _you_ want," he pointed out. "What about me? Why can't you just give me what I need for _once_?" It wasn't much to ask, not compared to what he was supposed to do for her.

"Don't you wanna be a father, Jack?" she asked, and he could see her lips trembling.

"I'm starting to feel more like the sperm donor, Kate," he confessed. No matter how hard he'd tried he'd never felt like part of the family she built with Aaron; even the baby she'd lost still felt like it was hers. "At least that's how you treat me."

"That's not fair," she retorted, tears springing to her eyes.

"No," he agreed, "What's not fair is you making all these decisions without bothering to consult me."

This accusation must have struck a nerve with her; her temper flared then, a hint of malice creeping into her tone as she spat, "Well maybe if you hadn't taken all those _drugs_…"

The words hit him like a physical blow, cutting deeper than she could possibly have intended. After all of this time, after everything he'd done to prove himself to her, could she really still hold that against him?

"You know what, Kate?" he spat, wanting to hurt her as much as she'd hurt him. "Since you made such a lousy choice, maybe you should just go look up Sawyer. He's gotta be at least a few years younger, and I bet _he_ was never addicted to anything. I'm sure he won't mind knocking you up if all you want is a baby."

It was her turn to look shocked, choking out a soft sob, the tears that had been threatening to fall spilling over onto her cheeks.

Part of him, the part that would always love her, wanted to pull her into his arms and hug her until they stopped, but the other part, the part that was still reeling from everything that had been said, needed to get away, to think.

"Where're you going?" she asked, trailing after him to the foyer. "Jack!"

"I don't know," he confessed. He would figure that out once he was in the car.

"When're you coming back?" she pressed, watching him pick up his coat and his keys.

"I don't know that either," he told her without looking back as he unlocked the door and stepped out into the night.

* * *

Next chapter: Where is Jack going? Will he come back? Will Kate go after him? Will they ever have a baby? (Review and find out!) ;)


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks for the reviews. This time I have no complaints. :)

For those of you who are upset with Kate, I hope she starts to redeem herself in this chapter...

I also wanted to say that it's funny that so many of you mentioned 'Something Nice Back Home' and how well this ties in with it. I'm actually a little weirded out by it because somehow three of my most recent fics managed to capture elements of it pretty accurately... ;)

* * *

Chapter 8.

Even though she had no idea where he was going, Kate had faith that Jack would return to her this time.

Somehow, he always did.

With this thought in mind, she stationed herself where she could watch the door, until her eyelids began to droop and she had to close them. She half expected to find him crouching in front of the couch when she opened them, running his fingers through her hair while told her how much he regretted what had happened, but the next morning, the house was still, silent.

Empty.

She was alone.

And this time she didn't even have Aaron to comfort her.

When he failed to put in an appearance at dinner, she tried not to think about all the places he could be, or the things he could be doing there. He wasn't the kind to cheat and he'd worked too hard to kick his addictions to slide back into that old pattern of behaviour.

He was just trying to prove his point; to win; each time she thought about calling him, she consoled herself with the knowledge that he would have to come home eventually: everything he owned was there.

She knew that he kept a few spare shirts at the hospital, in case he had to change during the day; he could live out of his office for a day or two, but at some point he would need something from the house, and then he would have to deal with her.

Until that happened, she tried to keep herself busy so that she wouldn't dwell on it.

The next morning she got up, did the laundry, ran errands as normal, but when she came home to find his overnight bag and some of his stuff gone, she knew she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

He wasn't coming back.

At least not any time soon.

The nursery she'd decorated for Aaron was closed up like it had been for almost six months; stoping by the door on her way to the bedroom, she turned the handle and pushed it open.

Everything was the same as when he'd left it. She'd given his clothes to Claire when she sent him to live with her, but other than that it still looked like he was coming back.

As she took a tentative step inside, crossing the threshold for the first time in months, she heard Jack's voice in her head:

_"I'm starting to feel more like the sperm donor, Kate. At least that's how you treat me."_

For as long as they were both in her life, she'd tried to find a way to get them to bond – to make them a family – but Aaron was always hers. To him, she was 'Mommy', but Jack…

He was just 'Jack'.

It had always been easier for him to be an uncle to him than a father.

Was that how she'd made him feel about this child? The one they were supposed to be working towards? The one that they'd lost? Like it was just hers?

She realised that she'd never thought to ask him. She was so caught up in her own grief; her own desperate need to recapture those feelings, that it had never occurred to her that because it was it was theirs – _their blood_ this time – it would be different for him. She should have offered him support too, but instead she'd fallen apart and left him to pick up the pieces.

_"You know what, Kate? Since you made such a lousy choice, maybe you should just go look up Sawyer. I'm sure he won't mind knocking you up if all you want is a baby."_

The words were harsh, but could she honestly say she hadn't deserved them when she was the one complaining to Juliet that she should have been pregnant on the island? When there were days that she wished that she was, because then she'd be a mother and losing Aaron wouldn't hurt so much?

But then, she realised, it would have worked out the same, with him jealous and insecure, always wondering if some part of her would always be more invested in her relationship with Sawyer, because of the lasting connection they shared. It would have been wrong again. She didn't want to play house anymore. She didn't just want a baby. She wanted _their_ baby. A real family. With Jack.

That's what this should have been about. That's what it had always been about for him.

Forcing herself to enter, she picked Aaron's pillows and stuffed toys up off the bed and moved them to the chair in the corner.

He was never going to sleep there again, she told herself as she peeled back the comforter, tossing it into a pile with the rest of the sheets. The next time he stayed over, it would be in the guest room as their nephew.

But until then, it was time for her to let go.

* * *

"So are you ever going to tell me what happened?" Claire said sliding into the chair opposite Jack's when she returned from tucking Aaron in. "Or am I going to have to guess?"

The wounds were still raw without having to relive it; he took a careful sip of his coffee, trying to keep his tone nonchalant as he answered, "Kate and I just had a fight, Claire. That's all."

He hoped that if he made it sound like it wasn't a big deal she would let it go – at least until he was ready to talk about it – but she seemed to think that she'd been patient enough.

"Well what was it about? Maybe I can help," she pressed.

What happened was between him and Kate. It was unlikely that there was anything she could do – unless she was willing to part with Aaron again – so he shook his head. "I don't think so, Claire. I think I just need to ride it out."

She shot him an incredulous look, her pale brows knitting into a dubious frown, and he knew that she didn't believe him. He was in pretty bad shape when he turned up on her doorstep; it was that or go to a bar and he couldn't do that to himself, or Kate. Not again.

"Ride it out? You've been sleeping on my couch for _two days_, Jack. It must have been pretty bad if you're still avoiding her."

Since he'd arrived, he'd tried to keep out of her way, helping with Aaron and whatever else needed taking care of, but he still felt guilty for imposing on her, especially when he didn't know how long he would be staying. All he knew was that he wasn't ready to go home yet.

"It's just this baby thing," he told her with a sigh when she continued to stare him down. He figured after dragging her into their problems he owed her a reason. "Ever since the miscarriage, she's been different – we've been different. She's so focused on getting pregnant. I feel like I don't know her anymore."

At these words, her expectant expression softened into one of sympathy. "Losing a child is never easy, Jack. It wasn't for me," she confessed. "The two years I spent away from Aaron were the hardest of my life – I couldn't imagine never seeing him again."

These words seemed to trigger something inside of her; she averted her eyes to the tabletop, swallowing hard. "I've been such a bitch to her," she said, half to him, and half he was sure to herself. "I wouldn't even let her see him."

It took him a moment to realise that she was talking about Kate: Kate and Aaron. "You were only doing what you thought was best for him, Claire," he assured her, even though he still wondered if they'd done the right thing in separating them, but she cut him off.

"No, I was doing what was best for _me_," she insisted. "He loved her so much – _he called her 'Mummy'_ – I hated having to compete with that."

Her eyes filled with tears and his heart went out to her as she added, "Do you know, I think she was a better mum to him than I was? I never even wanted him in the first place."

"But you want him now, and that's all that matters," he told her gently.

It was all such a mess: Kate wanted a baby more than anything else in the world and he couldn't seem to give her that while Claire managed to get pregnant with Aaron without trying.

"You know what's funny?" he mused. "After Kate lost the baby, she thought she was being punished too – for not being a better person. She thought that was why she had to give up Aaron."

To his surprise, Claire let out a watery laugh, and Jack found himself smiling too at the irony of both women thinking they'd done something to deserve losing him.

"I should get that," she told him when the doorbell shook them out of their jovial mood, but as she passed his chair, she placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it briefly. "Thanks Jack."

Once she was gone, and he was alone, he sighed, dropping his face into his hands and massaging his forehead until a familiar voice caught his attention.

"I was just cleaning out the nursery and I thought Aaron might want them..."

It was Kate.

They'd just spent the last half hour talking about her. For a brief moment Jack wondered if Claire had set him up, until the surprise in her tone caused him to dismiss this idea.

"Thanks Kate. I'm sure he's missed them." It didn't seem like she'd known that Kate was coming by; in fact, she sounded uncomfortable as the words "And you" hung unspoken in the air.

After what she'd just told him, it was probably still too soon for her to admit something like that.

All he could gather from this exchange was that Kate had given her something; curious as to what had brought her there, Jack got up from the table and slipped into the hall.

They couldn't see him from where he was standing, but he had a clear view of them: Claire was hugging a carton of Aaron's toys – the tail of the killer whale he and Kate had picked out for him poking over the rim – while Kate stood on the doorstep with her arms folded over her chest.

The sight of her so close that he could have rushed forward and swept her into his arms, caused his heart to contract painfully. The light outside was dim but he could tell by the pink rims under her eyes that she'd been crying, and he knew how hard it must be for her to give up the only piece of him that she had left.

Clearly something had changed in the days since he'd walked out.

"Anyway, I should go. I've got still got a bunch of stuff to take over to Goodwill…" she told her, trailing off when he stepped into the living room, managing to look surprised, relieved and furious at the same time. "Jack? What are you doing here?"

* * *

Next chapter: Will Kate apologise? Will Jack take her back? And what will she say when she finds out he's been spending time with Claire and Aaron without telling her? ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for the reviews. After leaving it on another cliffhanger, I figured it was time I updated! ;)

* * *

Chapter 9.

It was the moment Jack had been dreading.

"Kate, this isn't what it looks like," he told her, moving towards her, his heart sinking at the betrayal he saw in her eyes as she glanced from him to Claire. That look was the reason he'd never wanted her to find out.

"Really? Because it _looks_ like you lied to me when you said you thought we should give them some space," she insisted, tightening her arms across her chest. "But you know what? She's your sister. Of course you wanna see them. I mean you're the one who's related to him."

It hurt to hear her throw those words back at him after so long, but not enough to let her go without giving him the chance to explain. "Kate, Kate stop," he called, following her onto the porch, catching hold of her wrist when she tried to flee down the steps to her car. "Kate, stay and let's talk about this."

Just then Claire cleared her throat, shifting her weight as she hovered at the door. "I think I'm just going to turn in," she told them, waving a hand back towards the bedrooms. "Night." She flashed Jack an encouraging smile. "Just make sure you lock up when you leave."

She seemed so sure that they would work it out. Jack acknowledged her with a distracted nod, returning his attention to Kate when she disappeared into the house.

He wasn't sure whether he should be apologising or pointing out that she hadn't given him much choice; his hesitation gave her the opening she needed to start by asking the question he'd known was coming.

"So're you gonna fill me in on what this is about, Jack? You and Claire? Hanging out?" She slid her arm free of his, fixing him with an accusing glare. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Her voice broke and he knew that he'd hurt her. "You were still coming to terms with giving up Aaron, and then you lost the baby…"

He trailed off, trying to find a way to get it across to her that what he did, he'd done for her. "I didn't know if you would be able to handle it. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but I just wanted to protect you from any more pain."

As soon as he said it, he realised how patronising it must sound; sure enough her expression hardened and she scoffed, tearing her eyes from his to stare down the dark street.

"She's having a hard time with this too, Kate," he reminded her. "I had to make sure she was okay."

When she glanced at him again, her grey-green eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "How hard can it be for her? She got her son back. I lost mine."

He didn't know how to respond to that when he could see her side just as he could see Claire's, so he decided to change the subject, gesturing back to the house. "I saw you brought some stuff over for her. That was nice."

To his relief, she didn't seem to expect an answer. "I packed up the nursery," she agreed, scrubbing at her face with the heel of her palm as she tried to compose herself.

There was a dark smudge across one of her cheeks where her mascara had spread; overcome with tenderness at how vulnerable she was allowing herself to be, he was struck by the urge to reach up and brush it away with his thumb, but he wasn't sure how she would react to him touching her.

"You could've kept some of it," he told her with a tentative smile. "For when we have a baby."

He wanted her to know that he hadn't changed his mind; that he still loved her, but she shot him a dubious look, willing him not to make her any more promises.

"No, I couldn't. I needed to get rid of it," she insisted. "I can't keep walking past there, thinking something's gonna change."

She swallowed hard, shaking her head to keep the tears from spilling over. "All those things I said, Jack…

"You're not a sperm donor, and I've never regretted you. I'm so sorry for the way I've been treating you – like you weren't a part of this. I just wanted us to be a family. I wanted it to be perfect this time."

The last of his anger melted away when he saw how ashamed she was; he pulled her into his arms, weaving his hands through her hair while she buried her face in his sternum. "I'm sorry too," he confessed. "I never should have brought Sawyer into it."

In his heart, he knew that that was in the past; that she would never betray him like Sarah.

She uttered a soft, tearful chuckle into his shirt, her voice muffled when she spoke. "It's not like I didn't deserve it."

He smiled despite himself, and a companionable silence fell over them as they just stood like that for a moment, holding onto one another.

He felt her tighten her grip on his waist, resting her chin against his chest as she lifted her head to look at him. "Come home, Jack," she whispered. "_Please_."

Everything inside of him was screaming for him to do just that, but he forced himself to let her go. "I wish it were that easy, Kate," he told her with a tired sigh, "but how do I know if I do it won't just start up again?"

They couldn't keep doing what they were doing. He wanted to go back to the way they were before.

"It won't," she assured him, looking taken aback by his sudden hesitance.

"You say that now, but how long's it gonna be before you decide you're unhappy again?" he pressed. "A week? A month? A year?"

She stared at him for a long moment, considering this, then, to his surprise she stepped forward, taking his hands in each of hers.

"I won't, Jack," she promised, her tone firm, resolute, and he could see the sincerity in her eyes. "Not if you're with me. I don't care if we neverhave a baby – I can't lose you too. Not again. Not when I just got you back."

"You mean it?" he checked, in case she was just saying it to convince him to move back in. "No more scheduling sex or asking Juliet for advice or anything else that could be considered insane?"

She laughed again, glancing down at the porch then back at him with earnest look. "I mean it," she assured him. "I love you, Jack Shephard, and if you'll still have me, I can't think of anything that would make me happier than spending the rest of my life with you."

It was better than anything he could have hoped for. "Good," he said, finding himself grinning back, "because the crazy Kate – the one I've been living with the last two months – is not the one I wanted a baby with."

He brought his hands up to her jaw, leaning down so that his forehead was braced against hers. "She's not the one I wanted to marry either."

"The crazy Kate's gone, Jack. I swear," she told him, her eyes shining with relief as face split into a broad grin. She fixed him with a shy look, sobering as she asked, "Do you think you'd settle for this one instead?"

"I'll definitely take it under advisement," he agreed, meeting her lips in a soft, affectionate kiss before he pulled back to wrap his arm around her shoulders. "Come on. Let's go home."

* * *

If you're thinking "What about Claire? Why haven't she and Kate made up?", I will get to that soon, I promise.

Next chapter: Reunion fluff! And Jack puts forward a proposal... ;)


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks for the reviews. I didn't get much time over the weekend with Mother's Day and so on, and to be honest, I was feeling a little burnt out, but I'm back now with the promised fluff.

For those of you who asked, despite the lack of interest in "Regret" I am planning a third part to round out the trilogy tentatively called "Forgiveness" (to give you an idea of what it's about!) set some time after the airport flashforward... ;)

* * *

Chapter 10.

When Kate woke in his arms the next morning, Jack was still asleep, a tiny smile playing at the corners of his lips. She still wasn't sure why he'd decided to give her another chance after she was so dismissive of him, but she was determined not to screw it up by taking him for granted this time.

With his next breath, he released a barely audible sigh, reflexively drawing her closer, and as she watched him she realised that she couldn't remember the last time she'd seen him so relaxed and content.

Overcome with love and affection for him, she lifted her head to place a soft kiss against his jaw, nuzzling the side of his throat until he began to stir beneath her.

She wanted to be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes, so she propped herself on her side, leaning over him while he blinked, adjusting to the light.

"Hi," she whispered, feeling shy around him for the first time since he'd appeared on her doorstep more than a year before.

She still didn't know what to expect from him or their relationship, although if the ease he'd fallen back into bed with her was any indication, he seemed more than happy to pick up where they'd left off.

Which was good because she didn't think she could handle starting over _again_.

"Hi," he returned with an affectionate smile, cupping her face in his hands and pulling her down to kiss her.

"I'm so glad you came back, Jack," she told him when they broke for air, resting her forehead against his. "I missed you so much."

"Me too," he agreed, kissing her again, longer and more deeply this time.

When he released her, she curled back against him with her cheek on his bare chest, listening to the steady throb of his heart. "I never wanna fight like that again."

"So you're really okay with this? With taking a step back?" he checked, combing his fingers through her hair.

"I don't wanna stop trying," she confessed when it occurred to her that he was talking about the promise she'd made to him on Claire's porch, feeling slightly guilty that she hadn't given up on the idea of getting pregnant, "but I think you're right, we need to focus on us for a while."

To her relief he seemed satisfied with this answer, brushing the top of her head with his lips. "So what d'you wanna do today?"

"You're not going into work?" she asked him, tilting her head up to look at him, surprised. He hadn't missed shift in over a month, since the miscarriage.

"I don't have any surgeries scheduled until tomorrow so I'm taking the day off," he agreed, his voice dropping to a low murmur as he added, "Right now, I just wanna be with my fiancé."

Touched by his words, she flashed him a teary grin, bringing her mouth gently back to his. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"I have an idea," he said after a moment. "Let's get married."

"It's gonna take more than a few hours to pull a wedding together, Jack," she teased him, chuckling as she settled back into him. "We could start making plans…"

Just the thought of taking steps to make it official sent a thrill of happiness through her. She'd tried so hard to make them a family that she'd almost forgotten there were other ways to strengthen their commitment.

The smile faded from her lips, replaced by a stunned look when he shifted onto his side so that he was facing her. "I'm serious, Kate," he insisted. "We've been talking about it forever. Let's just do it. Let's go to City Hall and sign the papers. I don't need a big ceremony – after everything we've been through to get here, all I want is to finally be able to call you my wife."

As soon as he said it, she realised that she didn't want to wait either. They'd waited too long already. "Okay," she agreed, sitting up, a slow grin breaking over her face when she saw how excited he was. "Okay, let's do it."

* * *

"Maybe we should call someone – you know, to be our witness," Kate said once the City Clerk's office had issued them with a marriage licence and they were sitting on a bench outside one of the chambers waiting for a judge. "It seems a little impersonal to get someone we don't know to do it."

"I could get my mom to come down," Jack suggested, but his sigh told her that he didn't really want her there, not when she still blamed him for his father's death. "Or Hurley."

While she knew that it was out of respect for her feelings, she couldn't help noticing his obvious omission. "I was actually thinking we should ask Claire," she told him, mustering a reassuring smile for his benefit when he hesitated. "She's your sister, Jack – she should be here."

The tension in his shoulders ebbed away and she knew he was relieved that she wasn't going to put up a protest, but he still shot her a tentative look. "You're sure? Because I meant what I said – it doesn't have to be her."

She was still apprehensive about seeing her – part of her was tempted to tell him that she'd changed her mind – but she figured she couldn't avoid her forever, not if she was marrying her brother.

"I'm sure," she agreed, dropping a swift peck against his lips. She reached into the pocket of his coat, drawing out his cell and pressing it into his hand. "Now call her."

She was sure Claire would be alone; her throat constricted painfully when she appeared leading Aaron along through the crowd.

He was dressed neatly in a blue polo shirt and dark slacks that Kate herself had bought for him; at three, he was already beginning to look less like a baby and more like a little boy. He was growing up so fast. She was sure he must be at least five inches taller than he was that last evening at Claire's.

She was so used to him hurling himself into her arms that she was surprised when he stopped in front of them, his hand still in Claire's.

"We're not too late are we?" Claire asked with a nervous glance at Kate. Kate forced herself to smile. "We got here as quickly as we could."

"You're right on time," Jack told her, reaching down the scruff his nephew's hair. "Hey Buddy."

"Hi Uncle Jack," Aaron said, laughing and squirming out of his grip.

When his gaze fell on Kate, he eyed her with a serious expression, furrowing his brow in concentration. "Mommy Claire says you're not my mommy anymore – she is," he told her, earning himself a mortified look from Claire. "She says I have to call you Aunty Kate now."

She knew it was true – she was only pretending to be his mother – but that didn't stop her heart from breaking a little. She realised then how Claire must have felt that night at dinner when he insisted she wasn't really his mommy.

"I'm sorry, Kate, I just—" she began, looking guilty, but Kate cut her off.

"It's fine, really," she assured her, swallowing her hurt as she returned her attention to Aaron. There was no sense in confusing him any more than they had too.

"Your mommy's right, sweet pea," she agreed, cringing at how wrong the word felt. She knelt so that she was at his level, holding her arms out to him. "But d'you think I could still have a hug?"

She grinned when he let go of Claire, wrapping his little arms around her and squeezing. "I may not be your mommy anymore, but I will always love you," she told him, stroking his hair as she hugged him back. "I want you to remember that, okay?"

He nodded solemnly and for a moment she was afraid he was going to cry. "Okay Mo… Aunty Kate."

"You gonna be all right?" Jack asked her when she stepped back, returning to his side.

"Yeah," she agreed with a watery smile, resting her head on his shoulder as he slid his arm around her.

Just then the door opened and the clerk who'd been handling them reappeared. "Mr. Shephard? Ms. Austen? We're ready for you."

* * *

I could go through all the details of the ceremony but I feel like that would be boring, especially since I've already written one very similar to this! That's not really the important part... ;)

Next chapter: Kate comes down with something and Jack is convinced it's more than a stomach bug... ;)


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks for the reviews. You might have noticed that I'm approaching time differently in this fic, so this chapter is set a few weeks after the wedding (If I write every day of their marriage it's going to get boring!). Hopefully you'll all like it. It has some fluff, some angst and a little surprise! ;)

* * *

Chapter 11.

The distant sound of running water pulled Jack out of his dream.

Instinctively, he reached over to Kate's side of the mattress, his eyes drifting open when he felt the empty space that she should have occupied. The bathroom door was closed; as he listened, expecting the beat of the shower, he heard her retching violently.

Sliding out of bed, he tapped on the wood softly, letting himself in without waiting for an answer.

"You okay?" he asked when he saw her kneeling on the tiles in her bathrobe, heaving into the toilet bowl. She didn't look well; she hadn't for days.

Moving over to the sink, he filled a glass with water and crouched beside her, brushing the sweaty ringlets back from her face.

"It's this bug," she complained once she seemed to have gotten it all out, accepting the glass when he offered it to her. She took a long sip, coughing as she slumped back against the wall. "It's kicking my ass."

"Maybe you should come to the hospital with me," he suggested, touching her forehead with the back of his hand. She wasn't exceptionally hot, but that didn't mean she wasn't sick. "I could get someone to do an exam, prescribe something to settle your stomach..."

"That's sweet, but I think I just need to let it run its course," she insisted, gripping the top of the tank as she pulled herself up.

He wasn't pleased about letting it go – especially after what she'd just been through – but he knew that there was no sense in trying to argue with her once she'd made up her mind.

"Okay, but I want you to take it easy today," he warned her, getting to his own feet. "That means fluids and plenty of rest." In the mean time he would be keeping an eye on her to make sure that it didn't get any worse.

"And eat some crackers," he teased her as his hand fell to small of her back, rubbing it gently with the heel of his palm. "I hear they're supposed to make you feel better."

He grinned when a smile broke over her face. "I'll keep that in mind," she agreed.

"See you tonight," he told her, kissing her temple as he left her to go get dressed for his shift.

* * *

He tried to push the thought out of his mind, but each time he did, it returned, louder and more forceful.

What if she was wrong and it wasn't a bug? What if it was something else?

Almost two months had passed since they'd agreed to stop obsessing over something that was out of their hands, but he hadn't given up hope, and neither had she. She was careful not to tell him as much after assuring him that what they had was enough, but he saw the wistful way she smiled at other people's babies when they met Claire and Aaron at the park, and he knew what she was thinking.

That should have been them. It almost was.

Even though he'd told her to rest, she was in the kitchen when he got home, chopping up vegetables for dinner.

"How're you feeling?" he asked her, pressing his palm to her cheek as he leant across the island to kiss her. Her colour had returned, and her skin didn't feel any warmer than usual.

"I think I finally kicked _its_ ass," she assured him with a grin as she scraped them into a dish. "I told you we just had to wait."

There was a chance that she really was better, but he wasn't convinced after he'd heard her say the same thing the night before. And the night before that.

"You've spent the last three mornings in the bathroom puking your guts out, yet by the time I get home, you're fine," he reminded her gently, taking the knife from her hand. "That doesn't sound like a bug, Kate – that sounds like morning sickness."

She flinched visibly at this, her shoulders tensing, before returning to what she was doing, sliding the dish into the oven so that she wouldn't have to meet his eyes.

"I've been watching you. Your appetite isn't affected, you're unusually sensitive to smells that have been in this house for as long as you've long had it, you're exhausted and you don't have any of the other symptoms we would normally look for – stomach ache, fever, chills…"

He retrieved something from on top of the stack of paperwork he'd brought in with him and held it out to her. "I want you to take this. Don't argue," he added when she opened her mouth to protest. "Just do it. _Please_."

"This is stupid, Jack," she insisted, but her voice held none of the confidence of her words as she turned the box over in her hands. "I'm not pregnant."

"So prove me wrong," he told her, giving her arms a reassuring squeeze as he nudged her in the direction of the stairs.

* * *

She should only have been gone a few minutes, but half an hour later when she still hadn't returned he decided to go in search of her.

He found her in the bathroom, perched on the edge of the tub, his heart sinking when he saw how blank her expression was as she stared at the stick in her lap.

He was so sure that he was right, that this was it; he wanted to kick himself for getting her hopes up again only for it to end in another bitter disappointment, until he got close enough to notice that there was not one, but _two_ pink lines in the window this time.

"This is a positive," he told her, picking it up so that he could read it more carefully, stunned not just by the result, but her reaction. She should have been running around the house shrieking with joy but instead she seemed upset. "I thought this is what you wanted."

"I'm not pregnant," she repeated, almost as if she were trying to talk herself out of it. "If I was pregnant, I would know."

"You didn't before," he reminded her gently, realising that it was the wrong thing to say when she looked up at him, horrified.

"I can't be pregnant, Jack. I got my period two weeks ago. Even if I was, it would be too early to show up," she insisted.

He knew that the chances of the test being wrong were slim. She was definitely pregnant, but she had to have conceived more than a few days ago for a home test to pick it up. Which meant that if she was bleeding again…

"How heavy was it, Kate?" he asked her, kneeling in front of her, his mouth going dry at the thought that he'd missed the signs after he'd promised himself that he would take better care of her. "Was it the same as last time? Did you have any cramps? Headaches? Dizziness?"

"No, it was light, but the doctor said that could happen…" she confessed, trailing off as tears sprang to her eyes. "This can't…" She shook her head. "I can't go through that again, Jack. I can't lose this baby too."

He relaxed when he heard that she didn't have any of the symptoms of a complete miscarriage. Even if what she was afraid of turned out to be true, and there was something wrong with this pregnancy, there might still be time to stop the same thing from happening.

"Hey, it's okay," he assured her, reaching out to dry her cheeks with his thumb. "You've read the books – spotting around the time you would normally get your period isn't that uncommon in the first trimester. It doesn't mean we're gonna lose this baby."

He dropped and the test into the trash and took her arm, helping her to her feet. "But just in case, I'm gonna get you to the hospital, okay?"

* * *

He wasn't sure how to explain to the nurses in emergency that he was concerned about bleeding that had stopped over a week ago. They would tell him to schedule an appointment with her doctor and ask him if he thought they should be worried. Fortunately one of the perks of working at the hospital was that he was in a position to call in a favour.

"I didn't even know you were married, Jack," Sophie Handler, the attending on duty for the night shift at maternity said when he introduced Kate as his wife.

"It wasn't really a big ceremony," he explained. "Just us, my sister and our nephew."

"Sounds cosy," she told them, before turning her attention on Kate.

"You're a very lucky woman. He's a brilliant doctor—" She shot him a teasing glance, and he looked away, embarrassed "—and I'm sure he'll make an excellent husband… and father, if I'm not mistaken."

She seemed to realise, by how quiet and distracted Kate was, that she wasn't in the mood for playful banter, acknowledging her with a sympathetic smile. "Why don't we get you into an exam room and take a look? Jack can wait out here until we're done."

"Sure," Kate agreed with a weak nod, shooting him an apologetic glance as she followed her across the hall.

"Wait, you're not gonna let me stay in the room with her?" he argued as he watched them walk away, helpless at the thought of being left outside to sweat. If it was more bad news, he wanted to be there, for Kate.

"So you can perform the exam yourself?" Sophie reminded him with a titillated grin as she waved Kate through and pulled the door shut behind them. "She'll be fine, Jack. She's in good hands. I'll call you as soon as I know anything."

* * *

It was a full twenty minutes before she poked her head out into the hall.

Jack had spent the first ten pacing before sinking into a one of the visitor's chairs.

"How is she?" he asked, jumping to his feet as soon as he saw her. He couldn't tell much from her expression, but while he'd been waiting, he'd had plenty of time to brace himself for the worst. It was Kate he was worried about. He wasn't sure she could handle another false start.

"Why don't you come in and see for yourself?" she said, leading the way back into the room, and he was mystified as to whether this was a good or bad sign.

The first thing he noticed when he entered was Kate lying back on the bed with the hospital grown bunched up, exposing her stomach. She wiped at her face with her fingers and he could see by the pink rims around her eyes and the tear tracks on her cheeks that she was crying.

The second thing he noticed was a faint pulse echoing through the room.

Unable to believe what he was hearing, he glanced at the monitor, the tension leaving him as his eyes traced the unmistakable shape of a foetus, watching the tiny mass at its centre expand and contract.

There was a heart. And it was beating.

"It's soft – should it be that soft?" he asked Sophie, his concern returning once he'd assured himself that it was real. After everything they'd been through, it was almost too good to be true.

"You have to remember, it's still very early," she told him, adjusting the wand to see if she could get a better reading. "We're lucky we can hear it at all at this stage."

"How far…?" he asked as it grew louder. It sounded strong, healthy.

"I'm going to say about eight weeks, give or take a few days."

Eight weeks. That would put it around the time of the wedding.

"I guess that makes it a honeymoon baby," Sophie told them with a smile, as if sensing his thoughts.

He glanced over at Kate, warmth flooding through him when she tore her gaze from the screen to beam at him.

"See?" he said when he reached her side, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. "I was actually right about something."

"I can't believe I'm this excited about another month or two of feeling like crap," she agreed with a teary laugh. She was silent for a moment, letting this sink in before adding in an awed whisper, "We're having a baby, Jack."

He didn't need to be told, but he couldn't say he minded hearing it again. "Happy now?" he asked with an affectionate grin, crouching down to kiss her.

She smiled when they pulled back, her hands on either side of his neck, resting her face against his. "So, so happy."

* * *

I'm pretty sure I know what the baby will be, but I'd like to hear your theories/thoughts. On names as well since for once I don't have a reason for choosing one.

Next chapter: A doctor's appointment (during which the gender of the baby will be revealed), telling Claire, and some Kate and Claire bonding... ;)


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks for the reviews. Now that Kate is pregnant, you all have a choice. I can wrap this up in a couple of chapters, or I can keep expanding it since the plot is pretty open ended (Don't worry, I wouldn't do anything as drastic as killing the baby). Also, I took your comments into consideration (Everyone really seems to want a girl!), and I think I've come up with an idea that you'll find interesting... ;)

* * *

Chapter 12.

"Come on," Kate muttered, cursing under her breath when the zipper snagged over her hip. Her second appointment was in less than an hour; it was the third skirt she'd tried on that morning, but while it was a little snug when she'd worn it a week before, she hadn't expected to outgrow it so soon.

With a sigh, she tossed it the pile with the others, taking out a pair of old sweatpants and pulling them on instead. For the first month and a half she'd been afraid to jinx it again by going out and buying maternity clothes, but with the extra pounds she'd put on she was running out of options.

Turning on her side, she studied her reflection in the mirror, grinning as her hands traced the small bump she could see forming above the waistband. It wasn't very pronounced yet, especially when she was dressed, but in a few weeks anyone who looked at her would be able to tell that she was pregnant.

"What're you smiling about?"

She started at the sound of Jack's voice, embarrassed when she saw him leaning against the doorframe and she realised that he'd been watching her.

"My skirts don't fit," she explained, giving up on trying to hide her excitement when she knew that he already knew what she'd been doing. Let him think that she was crazy for wanting to be fat.

"And you're happy about this?" he asked, shooting her a mock incredulous look, but he joined in her laughter as he crossed to her side.

She relaxed back into him when he stopped behind her, his large palms replacing her smaller ones.

"She's about four inches long now," he told her, his voice low and serious as he marked a vertical line down her belly with his thumb and index finger.

He took her hand and guided it to the place where it stuck out the most, probing the skin carefully with his skilled fingers. "There, do you feel that?"

She wasn't sure what she was supposed to be feeling, but she nodded, smiling as she caught sight of them in the mirror. After spending what was left of her first trimester praying that nothing would go wrong, she loved hearing him talk about their baby like it was finally real.

"That's the top of your uterus, where her head is now. You'll notice it moving upwards as she grows." He let out a soft chuckle, shifting their hands to her ribcage. "By the time she's ready to come out, it'll be somewhere around here."

She smiled as he brought them back to her waist, wrapping his arms around her, trying to imagine what it would be like to be that huge. She knew that it wouldn't be long before she was counting the days until her due date, but right now she couldn't wait.

"I still can't believe this is happening," she confessed, surprised by how content she felt. For the first time in her life, everything was going right. It was hard not to wait for the other shoe to drop. "I keep thinking I'm gonna wake up and find out it was all a dream."

"Well you can believe it," he assured her with a grin, brushing her temple with his lips and resting his cheek against it. "You're in your second trimester, both you and the baby are healthy – it's really happening this time."

* * *

"So far everything looks normal," Dr. Handler told them once she'd finished her exam and Jack was allowed to return to the room. They'd asked her to stay on as their OBGYN after he assured Kate that she was one of the best in her field.

"Now if I can just get you to lie back—" Kate did as she was told, lifting the hospital gown "—I'm going to do a scan to see how your little guy or girl is developing."

She squeezed the gel onto Kate's stomach, scrutinising the picture that filled the screen as she shifted the wand to locate the heartbeat. "Perfect. There's really nothing here you should be worried about. Keep doing what've been doing and you should have a healthy baby in about five or six months."

On hearing that her pregnancy was progressing well, Kate let out a breath that she hadn't realised she was holding. It was hard to believe that she was almost halfway there, that soon she would be back at the hospital to give birth. There was still so much that they needed to organise before then. They didn't even have a crib anymore.

The first thing she wanted to do was repaint the nursery so that it wouldn't still feel like Aaron's room.

"Can you tell what it is yet?" she asked. She knew that she could have chosen something neutral, like yellow or white, but just the thought of having a colour, a gender, made it seem more definite.

"You want to know the sex?" Dr. Handler clarified with a smile, looking to Jack for confirmation when she nodded. "Jack?"

He shrugged, crossing his arms as he leant back against the cabinets beside them. "Sure, if that's what Kate wants," he agreed.

She flashed him an excited grin, pleased that he was getting behind her decision even though it wasn't something that they'd discussed, and he grinned back.

"You're only about fourteen weeks along," Dr. Handler began, returning her attention to the screen, "so there's still a margin for error, but at this stage, I'm going to say it's a boy."

"How sure are you?" Kate pressed when she couldn't seem to make out anything besides the head, the arms and a tiny pair of legs, but already she was warming to the idea of having a son of her own, one that no one would be able to take away from her. At least a boy she knew how to raise.

"About ninety percent," Dr. Handler confessed. "The only way I could be positive is through an amniocentesis, but since you're still young, and you've assured me that there's no history of congenital conditions in either family, you're just going to have to make do with my best guess."

Jack still hadn't said anything. Kate turned to see his reaction, confused when she caught him staring at the opposite wall with a distracted look. He didn't appear to be listening; if she didn't know any better, she would have thought he seemed upset.

She wondered if he was disappointed; if he'd been hoping for a girl. He'd referred to it as a _she_.

"Did you hear that, Jack? We're having a boy," she repeated in case he hadn't heard, hurt when he confirmed at least one of her fears by acknowledging this with a weak smile.

"A boy. Wow, that's… great."

* * *

"Jack, can I ask you something?" Kate said.

They were in the car on the way over to Claire's house for dinner. They still hadn't shared the news with her, but now that they were out of the danger period, and the appointment had gone well, they'd decided that they would let her in on it that night.

"Sure," he agreed, shooting her a quick, curious glance before returning his attention to the road.

"Are you happy? I mean _really_ happy this time." She hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since leaving the hospital. She didn't want to take any more chances, assuming that if she was, he must feel the same way.

"Of course I am, Kate," he assured her, his eyes still focused straight ahead. "I have a beautiful wife, a successful career—" He took his hand from the wheel, reaching over the gearshift to rub her belly with an affectionate smile "—a baby on the way. Why wouldn't I be?"

_You tell me_, she thought, forcing herself to relax. Maybe she was reading too much into his behaviour. The last few months hadn't been easy for him, for either of them. She couldn't blame him for feeling overwhelmed.

"I don't know," she confessed. "I guess I'm just being paranoid."

* * *

Kate cleared her throat once the three of them were seated in the kitchen and Claire had finished handing out plates of food. Aaron was already asleep, but she'd managed to spend some time with him before that; somehow it hurt less to accept her new role in his life since she'd been granted a second chance at motherhood.

"Jack and I have an announcement to make."

"Oh really? And what's that?" Claire asked, her light eyes sparking with amusement, and it occurred to Kate that she didn't seem at all surprised. In fact, she seemed to have figured it out ahead of time.

If she hadn't picked up on Jack's attentiveness, or Kate's reluctance to get down on the floor with Aaron, or noticed that she hadn't accepted a drink since the day of the wedding, then the fact that the only outfit she could find that fit was a dress that clung to her belly, making her look more pregnant than she was must have seemed pretty obvious.

"You're not gonna try to guess?"

"After I put my foot in it last time?" Claire reminded her with a laugh, settling back in her chair. "No way, I'm just going to sit here and wait for someone to tell me."

Kate glanced at Jack to let him know that she was okay with it being him, but he just smiled and nodded for her to continue.

"You should do it," he said quietly, his hand dropping to the small of her back, massaging it with his thumb.

"Okay," she agreed once she decided that this had nothing to do with what happened at the hospital. He was just being supportive. He knew how eager she was to share her excitement.

"I'm pregnant," she told Claire. "You're gonna be an aunt."

At these words Claire jumped up from her chair, looking smug. "I knew it, I _knew_ that's what you were going to say," she insisted. "You're already married – what else would it be?"

Her gaze travelled to Kate's lap, which was already starting to disappear. "How far? You'd have to be in at least your second trimester."

"Almost four months," Kate agreed with a grin. "I'm due at the end of the year."

"Right after the wedding," Claire realised once she'd had time to do the math, fixing them with a knowing smile. "I guess it's true what they say about it happening when you stop trying."

Jack laughed as she started around to where they were sitting, and Kate felt herself flush.

"I'm so happy for you," she gushed, taking Kate by surprise when she threw her arms around her. "You're going to make such a good mum."

She eyed her with a shy look when she released her. "You know what? We should go shopping some time – you, me and Aaron. I could help you pick out some maternity clothes if you want. You have no idea how bad some of that stuff is until you've been pregnant."

Since they'd been home, Jack had always acted as a kind of buffer between them; Kate decided that it might be nice to do something together, just the two of them. And Aaron.

"I'd like that," she told her. Growing up, she'd always wanted a sister, to share things like this with. Now it seemed that fate had handed her one.

Claire's expression lit up into a warm smile. "Great. I'll give you a call."

She shifted her attention back to Jack. "And you, congratulations," she told him, enveloping him in a fierce hug. "I knew it would all work out…"

* * *

Next chapter: More on Kate and Claire's shopping trip, and what's up with Jack? ;)


	13. Chapter 13

Thanks for the reviews. I hope no one minds, but I decided to cheat and give Kate another chapter... ;)

* * *

Chapter 13.

"I'm glad I talked you into coming today," Claire said.

She and Aaron had stopped by the house after breakfast and they had spent the day at the mall commiserating about how unflattering most clothes for pregnant women were.

After acquiring the standard belts, jeans and t-shirts that Claire had assured her she would need, Kate had failed to find anything that inspired much interest, so she'd bought some loose tops with high waistlines to accommodate her growing stomach.

"Me too," she agreed as they made their way through another store, stopping occasionally to coo over how adorable the outfits for newborns were. It was a long time since she'd had the chance to bond with another woman like this. "I had a really great time."

Aaron had decided that he'd had enough of the mall, and had spent the last hour and a half dozing in his pushchair. "I'm not sure about him though," she added, watching him frown and shift in his sleep with an affectionate smile.

"He's a man. Men just don't get it," Claire joked, letting go of the handle to brush a blonde lock from his eyes. She nodded to Kate's bump, which Kate was sure had expanded at least half an inch in the days since it had first appeared. "You've got all that to look forward to."

At the back of her mind, Kate knew that Claire hadn't meant to undermine her, or what she'd done for Aaron – she probably hadn't even realised that she was doing it – but she couldn't help feeling like she was the one who should be giving advice.

She was the one who'd negotiated her way through his tantrums, who'd rewarded and punished him, who'd taught him how to behave. Even now when she sensed him getting tired and cranky she had to remind herself to not to get involved.

"Maybe we should've left him with Jack. He could probably do with the parenting practice," she told her to change the subject, thinking again of how ambivalent his behaviour was where the baby was concerned. One minute it seemed like he couldn't wait to be a father, the next it was as though he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. She could never be sure how he was going to react when she mentioned it. "I think he's a little nervous about having a son."

She had hoped that Claire would have some sisterly advice, some insight into whatever Jack was too afraid to tell her, but she didn't seem to hear her.

"Listen, do you think we could grab a cup of coffee or something – well not _coffee_, obviously – but do you think we could sit down somewhere?" she said. "There's something I need to get off my chest."

She looked nervous, her knuckles white as she squeeze the handles, and realising that it must be serious, Kate found herself growing apprehensive.

"Okay," she agreed after a reluctant pause. "There's a café at the top of those escalators. Why don't we go there?"

Neither of them spoke until they were settled at a table with Aaron still in his pushchair between them, Kate waiting for Claire to set the tone of the conversation.

"First of all, I want to apologise for the way I've been acting," she began, twisting the sleeve on her cup. "I could've handled the situation better, I know."

Kate couldn't help but feel dismayed when she confirmed her suspicion; she didn't want to ruin what until that moment had been a good day, not when it seemed like they were finally getting somewhere in rebuilding their relationship.

"We don't have to do this now, Claire—" she started to argue, but Claire cut her off with an emphatic wave of her hand.

"Yes, we do. Just hear me out, okay?"

Kate had never heard her sound so forceful, so determined. Whatever she was intending to say, it was obviously important to her; she nodded to show that she was listening.

Claire shot her a grateful look as she went on, "Try to imagine how you'd feel if something happened to you, and you were separated from your baby, and the next time you saw him he was calling someone else Mum. He had no memory of you – in fact, he didn't even know that he was _supposed to_ remember you."

As she spoke, Kate had a vague recollection of Rousseau telling her a similar story about how it felt to lose her own child, and seeing the pain written across Claire's expression, her heart went out to her, to both of them. Why was it that she'd encouraged one to do what should have come naturally and resented the other?

"I get it, Claire. He's _your_ son. You were just defending your territory."

Even though it was Claire who'd given birth to him, she'd always considered Aaron hers because she was the one who'd taken care of him for most of his life, but now that she was pregnant, her thoughts on motherhood were changing. Already, she couldn't imagine what Claire was describing, losing her son before she had the chance to know him, to love him.

"I'm sorry I didn't see that before."

Claire nodded, her expression lighting into a smile, understanding mingled with relief. "I knew you would."

* * *

Jack was home by the time Kate let them into the house.

When they found him in the living room, watching a baseball game on TV, she set her bags down on the coffee table so that she could kiss him hello.

"How was shopping? You get what you needed?" he asked when she pulled back.

She exchanged a meaningful glance with Claire, smiling when she smiled.

"Yeah, we did," she agreed.

"Good."

All eyes turned to Aaron as he let go of his mother's hand and wandered over to the couch, climbing up onto the cushion and flopping back beside him. "Hi Uncle Jack."

"Hey Buddy," Jack greeted him, giving his hair a lazy scruff, and Kate found herself wishing that she had a camera. How could he not see how good he was with him, how much his nephew idolised him? "D'you have a nice day with Mommy and Aunty Kate?"

"Yeah. I stayed with Mommy and I did what she told me so I got a car and ice cream," Aaron told him, holding the little toy car he'd brought in with him up so that Jack could see it.

He accepted it with a soft chuckle, turning it over and inspecting it carefully before passing it back. "Wow, your mommy must like you a lot," he teased him.

He laughed when Aaron nodded solemnly. "She does. She's a good mommy."

"Thank you, Aaron."

Claire beamed on hearing that her son approved, and Kate felt a pang of sadness at the how much things had changed. There was a time when he would have said the same thing about her.

"Wanna see what _I _got?" she asked Jack to keep from dwelling on these thoughts. She needed to be happy for Claire, as happy was Claire was for her and Jack.

He smiled, pushing himself up straighter on the couch. "Sure."

With a grin, she reached into one of the bags and took out a tiny blue onesie. "Cute, huh?"

She had hoped that seeing it, picturing the baby that would wear it would get him as excited as she was, but it only seemed to irritate him.

"I thought the point of today was to come back with bigger clothes, not smaller ones."

She could see Claire getting uncomfortable, shooting her a guilty glance. She seemed to think it was a bad idea too.

Desperate to diffuse the situation before it escalated into a fight, Kate decided to try again. "It's not _for me_, it's for him," she teased him, holding it up over her bump. "We were just walking past the baby department and I…"

She stared at him in shock when he cut her off, hurt that he wasn't even going to humour her.

"Don't you think it's a little early to be buying baby clothes, Kate? We don't even know for sure that it's a boy."

She looked to Claire for support, but she just shook her head, reluctant to get involved. "We really should be getting home," she piped up, taking Aaron's hand and guiding him up off the couch. "Come on, Aaron. Say bye."

"Bye, Aunty Kate. Bye, Uncle Jack."

He was still playing with his car, oblivious to the tension in the room; for his sake Kate waited until the door closed behind them to explode.

"Okay, what is going on with you?" She refolded the onesie but didn't put it down, clutching it protectively to her chest. "You've been weird ever since my appointment. Did you change your mind? Is that it? You don't want a baby anymore?"

The thought that he might not share her feelings, that he might not want it as much as she did broke her heart but she couldn't think of any other reason for his behaviour. It didn't make any sense. "Aren't you even a little bit happy that you're having a son?"

"This isn't about me," he insisted, bringing a hand up to massage his brow.

His cryptic answer only served to exasperate her further. She was tired of trying to figure him out. Why couldn't he just spit it out? "Then what _is_ it about?"

"Don't you think you're just a little _too_ happy?" he retorted, his words sending her mind reeling.

He was mad at her because she was _happy_? "What're you suggesting, Jack?"

"I just wonder if you'd be rushing out to buy things for the baby if you knew it was a girl," he confessed.

It was only then that she understood what was happening, what he was accusing her of. "He's not," she reminded him. "And does any part of me want him to be? No, because he's here and he's ours and that's _all_ that matters." Tears stung her eyes as she waved the onesie for emphasis. "That's all this was ever about."

She could see the shame in his expression when she covered her mouth, muffling a sob; he got up from the couch and moved to her side. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you," he told her, taking her face in his hands.

She tried to turn it away, to resist, but the tenderness in his voice caused her to look up at him.

"And I never meant for you to think that I'd changed my mind. I just remember how crazy you got when we first started trying and I… I don't wanna do that again, Kate."

There was a deep sadness in his eyes as he let go of her and pressed his palm to her belly. "I just want our son be loved for who he is, not who you wish he was."

She realised then why this mattered so much to him, that he was speaking from experience about his relationship with his own father and how he'd never felt like he measured up. He didn't want that for his child and neither did she.

"I know," she agreed softly, putting her hand over his and squeezing it. "Me too."

"So maybe the next time you decide to shop for him, you could let me know so I can come too?" he suggested, his tone gentle but pointed and she knew that she'd hurt him.

"I'm sorry, Jack. I really didn't think you'd wanna be there," she confessed with an apologetic smile.

He slipped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest and resting his cheek against her hair with a sigh. "Of course I wanna be there, Kate. He's my son. I wanna be there for everything."

They were the best words that he could have said to her; she could feel herself tearing up again, this time from relief as she lifted her head to kiss him softly.

"You know, I bought something for you too," she told him when they drew back, her smile turning coy as she freed herself from his grip. "I was gonna show you later tonight but…"

She opened another bag, enjoying the look on his face as she pulled out a green negligee, holding it against her so that he could admire the effect. "What d'you think?"

She could see that he was impressed. "Wow, what's the occasion?" he asked with a grin.

She knew that she only had another month or two of being able to pull something like that off, and she was determined to make the most of it. "I just thought we should celebrate the fact that my morning sickness is gone and I feel amazing…"

* * *

Next chapter: Jack and Kate bond over the baby (I have a list of ideas but if there's anything in particular you'd like to see don't forget to let me know)... ;)


	14. Chapter 14

Thanks for the reviews. Interest in this fic seems to have peaked so I'm not sure how much longer it's going to be. Probably no more than about 20 chapters total. That said, I did feel like I owed you a chapter of pure fluff after all the angst, so even though it almost killed me... ;)

* * *

Chapter 14.

"I could get used to this," Jack said as Kate lay with her head on his chest, her calf hooked over his under the sheets.

After dinner they'd gone straight up to bed, where they'd stayed for the rest of the night, making up for all the evenings that she'd fallen asleep while he took care of the dishes, and all the mornings that she wouldn't let him touch her because the scent of the coffee that he was brewing for breakfast, or of his cologne turned her stomach.

"Me too," she agreed with a contented sigh, lifting her chin to press a languid kiss against the side of his throat.

As she settled back into him, he could feel the subtle rise of her belly – the only visible hint of her pregnancy now that her morning sickness had stopped – pushing against his side, and he found himself wishing that their son would do something to assure them of his presence.

When he'd explored it earlier, laying soft kisses against it, the skin was as hard and as firm as ever. On the outside, she was still the same. If he hadn't seen the life growing there on the ultrasound just days before he would have begun to doubt its existence.

Logically he knew that it could be months before anything changed, but that didn't stop him from being surprised by a feint ripple against his palm. _Something_ was happening…

"Kate, did you…?"

"Baby's hungry," she announced, a flush creeping into her cheeks at the realisation that he'd felt it too.

He sighed as he removed his hand, shifting it back to her bicep. "He seems to get that way a lot," he complained, but he couldn't help laughing when her blush turned from pink to red.

"You know, this is one of those times where you're _supposed_ to be supportive," she told him, trying to keep her voice stern, her expression caught somewhere between accusation and amusement.

"Of course," he agreed, dropping a gentle kiss to her forehead to let her know that he wasn't going to hold it against her. "Why don't I go get him something to eat? What does he want?"

She bit her lip, eyeing him with a hesitant look and he wondered if he should be teasing her as much as he was. If her cravings were as unusual as he'd heard most pregnant women's were, then she was probably already embarrassed.

"It's okay, Kate," he told her gently, rubbing her arm. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Coconut and banana Popsicles," she told him, her smile bashful as she waited for his reaction. "Or maybe peanut butter and banana..."

The latter didn't sound very appetising; as hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to conceal his surprise. "They actually make those?"

"I used to get them all the time when I was a kid. I don't know why I thought of them just now – I haven't had one in forever," she confessed with a wry smile.

He wondered where she thought he was going to find something so obscure at this hour, even in L.A. The banana part he could probably do, but _peanut butter_? He wasn't sure it was something anyone in their right mind would put in a Popsicle.

"Pretty dumb, huh?" she said, as if sensing his scepticism, laughing at herself as she shook herself out of the memory. "There's still some spaghetti left over from dinner. You should just reheat that."

He knew that she was trying to make his job easier, but he could see that she still had her heart set on the Popsicles. He realised then that he didn't have a choice, no matter how challenging her request. He couldn't disappoint her again, not after all the misery she'd suffered over the past few months. Not after making her cry.

"I'll be back soon," he told her, kissing her softly and reaching over the side of the bed for his jeans.

* * *

An hour and a half and eight stores later he returned to their bedroom to find her curled on her side, asleep.

He perched on the edge of the mattress beside her, trying to decide whether or not it was worth waking her, relieved when he brushed a curl away from her face and her eyes fluttered open.

"You're back," she mumbled sleepily, smiling when he placed a soft kiss against her lips.

"And guess what…?" he told her, taking a Popsicle from the bag on his lap and holding it out to her.

She eyed it and then him in surprise, pushing her hair back behind her ears and scrabbling up with the covers drawn to her chest. "You're kidding me," she said, her face lighting up with pleasure once she'd had the chance to inspect it. "Banana _and_ coconut?"

"I couldn't remember which one you said you wanted so I got both," he confessed with a sheepish laugh. "It took me another half hour to find a store that sold this one…"

He fished a second Popsicle out of the bag – peanut butter and banana this time – enjoying her childish delight when she gasped.

"Jack…" She turned it over in her hands, shaking her head as though she still couldn't believe it. "You didn't have to do this."

"No but I wanted to," he agreed.

Her expression softened at these words. "Thank you," she whispered.

She tore off the wrapper, offering the first bite to him. "You should try it."

Just the thought of those two things together made him as nauseous as he imagined that she'd been for the past two months. "I got it for you," he insisted, pushing her wrist gently back towards her.

He was glad that he had when she put it into her own mouth, closing her eyes and sighing with happiness. He didn't think that it would possible for him to love her any more than he did at that moment.

She opened them again when she sensed him watching her, her palm flying to her chin. "What?" she asked with a self-conscious smile, scrubbing at it with her the back of her hand. "Don't tell me it's all over my face…"

"You're fine," he assured her, letting out an affectionate chuckle before he grew serious again. "I just… I'm glad I suggested it, that's all. I know it hasn't always felt like it, but I _am_ happy, Kate. I want to be doing this with you."

She lowered the Popsicle when she understood that he wasn't talking about getting her something to eat, her eyes shining with unshed tears as she leant forward again, caressing his lips sweetly with hers.

"You taste like peanut butter," he told her with a grin when she pulled back.

"Good, huh?" she teased him, returning it when he laughed.

On her, he decided, it wasn't as bad as he'd thought. In fact, it was pretty amazing.

"What else is in the bag?" she asked him with a curious look when she saw that it wasn't empty, settling against the headboard as she finished her Popsicle.

"There was a bookstore next to the 7/11," he told her, still not sure if it was a good idea.

It was early – maybe even too early – but after their earlier misunderstanding, and everything else that had happened to them since they'd decided to start a family, it was important for them do something to celebrate the fact that it was finally going well, and it was all he could think of.

He stripped down to his boxers and climbed back into bed with her, opening the book to the A's. "It's probably gonna take us the next six months to choose one, so I figured it couldn't hurt to start talking about it now," he explained, slipping his free arm around her when, with a smile, her head came to rest on his shoulder.

Ironically, the first name he came across was Aaron.

"Why don't we start with B?" she suggested, and he felt himself relax as she flipped over the page.

* * *

Apparently such things as coconut and banana and peanut butter and banana Popsicles exist. :S

Next chapter: A big moment for Kate (And Jack?) as they continue to get ready for the baby... ;)

(And for those of you who asked for it, I'm working on the second part of Forgiveness so expect that in the next few days.)


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks for the reviews. I figure most of you were disappointed that I updated "Forgiveness" again before this but I just wanted to get it done.

I'm considering writing some more one shots set during the flashforwards but I've run out of scenes to base them on so if there's a particular event or situation that anyone would like to see addressed let me know. I might get inspired. ;)

* * *

Chapter 15.

Jack grinned when he wandered into the living room after his run to find Kate stretched on the couch with her bare feet propped against the arm, dipping potato chips in chocolate sauce as she used her belly to hold up the book she was thumbing through.

The next day would mark the beginning of her nineteenth week and already she was slowing down. He'd invited her to come like she had when they'd first started living together, prepared to let her set the pace, but she'd insisted that walking was tiring enough. The only exercise she'd been able to tolerate since entering her second trimester was dragging him around the mall to look at things for the baby.

For the first few months it was easy for him to forget that she was pregnant, but now every time he looked at her he was reminded of how close their dream was to being realised. Even strangers had begun to notice her condition, causing her to light up with pride each time she was asked if she knew what she was having or when she was due. He wasn't sure when it had happened, but she'd stopped watching other people's children with envy, smiling and touching her belly instead.

"You do know that's disgusting, right?" he teased her as he bent over the couch to kiss her, his stomach revolting at the sickly aftertaste on her breath. As cute as he found her cravings at times, that was one thing that he definitely wasn't going to miss.

"Speak for yourself," she countered, the corners of her mouth quirking with amusement as she placed a series of smaller kisses against his lips, before her nose wrinkled and she pushed him away with a decisive shove. "I'm not the one who smells like feet."

She wasn't going to let him near her again, so he made his way to the stairs, returning once he'd showered and dressed in a fresh t-shirt and an old pair of jeans.

"Whatcha doing?" he asked, shifting her legs into his lap to make a space beside her.

"Looking for inspiration," she confessed, passing the book to him so that she could use hands to push herself up. "I highlighted a couple."

They'd made it to the end of the one that he'd bought her without agreeing on anything. He skimmed over the names that she'd marked, frowning when none of them seemed to jump out at him.

"Don't tell me you hate them _all_," she complained, flopping back against the cushion that she'd been using as a pillow with an exasperated sigh.

"It's not that I _hate_ them, I just…" He trailed off when she shot him an incredulous look and he knew that she was right. He was a terrible liar. "I hate them. Happy now?"

She rolled her eyes at him, but he could see that she was smiling. "If my suggestions are all that awful, why don't _you_ try?"

As it turned out, choosing a name for his son was a lot more difficult than he ever would have believed. He still didn't have any ideas worth mentioning, so he opened it to a letter at random, intending to have a little fun with her instead.

"How about this one?" he said with what he hoped was a contemplative look, struggling to contain his amusement when her eyes followed his to the page and grew wide with horror.

"Delbert? _Delbert _Shephard? Do you hate this baby, Jack?" she insisted, covering it protectively. "Cause it sure sounds like it."

"What? I like it. See, there, it means 'noble'," he continued to tease her, smirking and bringing his arms up to defend himself when she snatched the book back from him and whacked him across the back of the head. "What if I told you it was my great uncle's name?"

"I'd say he can keep it," she retorted, bursting into laughter when he did, but a moment later she froze in shock, her hands flying to her belly.

"Kate? What?" he asked, trying to keep the alarm out of his voice as he slid off the couch and dropped to his knees in front of her. "Is the baby…?"

"I just felt something," she explained with a smile, and he relaxed, his fear turning to excitement as he realised what that meant.

"He's kicking?"

"I don't know if he's _kicking_, but he's definitely moving around," she agreed, guiding his hand to the place where she'd just had hers. "_There_. There he is. Say hi to Daddy."

He kept applying gentle pressure to the spot with his palm, but when another moment passed without anything seeming to happen, he wondered if she was wrong and it was just the rumblings of her digestive system again.

"You really can't feel that?" she asked, her brow furrowing in confusion when he shook his head. "Huh. I guess it must just be on the inside."

She let go of his hand, her disappointed look mirroring his own when he dropped it to his side, pushing himself to his feet. "The books all said I might not feel anything for a couple more weeks, so I guess it's still early days. Maybe he'll start kicking soon..."

"Yeah. Maybe."

Logically everything that she'd just told him made sense, but as she shifted her attention back to the baby, glancing down at her belly with a distracted smile, he couldn't help feeling jealous of the bond that was already developing between them.

* * *

"What about Matthew?"

It was Sunday, almost a week later. Jack still hadn't been able to feel his son move, or come up with any ideas for his name; he was forcing himself to remember that there were other ways to include himself, which was how he'd come to spent his day off helping Kate paint Aaron's old room green to match the sheets that they'd picked out for the crib.

"Don't you think it's a little boring, Kate?" he asked her, casting a glance to where she was perched on one of the stepladders she'd brought up from the garage, eyeing him with an expectant look.

Her sense of balance wasn't as reliable as it used to be. When the time came for them to fill in the tops of the walls he'd insisted that he didn't want her climbing it in case she fell. She'd argued of course, just like he'd come to expect, but to his relief she had enough sense not to tempt fate.

"Fine, _Jack_," she retorted, as if to remind him that he was one to talk, flipping over the page. "How about Merlin?"

He knew that she was only feigning petulance in the hopes that it would get her her own way. He raised an eyebrow at her, refusing to buy into it. "Do I even need to dignify that with an answer?"

"Okay," she agreed with a laugh, "so you want something that's conventional but not too common… Max. That's a simple, old-fashioned name."

"It was also the name of my cousins' dog growing up," he couldn't resist throwing out as he set his roller back against the plaster.

He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she huffed out an exaggerated sigh, letting the book fall against her thighs as she threw her hands up in exasperation. "Is there anything in any of these books that you _haven't_ found a fault with?"

He grinned, unable to pass up the opportunity to tease her some more. "Delbert. I told you I liked that one."

She rolled her eyes as she picked the book back up. "You're not seriously gonna start that again?" She glanced down at the list in front of her, shooting him a defiant look, daring him to agree as she added, "Why don't we just throw Murtagh in there while we're at it? That's sure to get him stuffed into a locker at school."

He chuckled as he imagined the looks on the nurses' faces when they registered a baby under the name Delbert Murtagh Shephard or Murtagh Delbert Shephard before turning serious.

"We've still got at least five months before we have to file a birth certificate, Kate. I don't see why we have to make the final decision right now," he told her.

"I just don't want him starting life as 'Baby Shephard'," she argued.

"What's wrong with that?" he asked without bothering to hide his smile. Already he loved the sound of it. Baby Shephard. His baby. _Their _baby. "It's an accurate description."

"There's nothing wrong with it," she agreed, "it's just…" She looked up from the page, her voice soft, eyes earnest as they locked on his. "You said you wanted him to be loved for who he is, right?"

He nodded.

She flashed him a tiny smile. "Well that's what I'm trying to figure out."

He could see that giving their son a name of his own was important to her; he didn't question her again, resuming his painting as she went back to perusing the book.

"Here's one," she said after a moment. "What d'you think of Nathan? Or Nathaniel? I don't think I've ever met anyone called that."

It never would have occurred to him to consider the latter, but he thought that Nathaniel Shephard was something he might be able to live with; he turned to tell her this but the words died in his throat.

"Jack?" she called, waving her hand to get his attention, but he barely registered the fact that she was still speaking, feeling sick to his stomach as he wondered if it was somehow his fault, if he'd jinxed it with all the times that he'd been jealous or insecure or unsupportive.

He should've just let her name it whatever she wanted.

She stopped, self-conscious when she realised that he was staring at her, following his gaze down to the inside of her thigh, where a patch of crimson was spreading over her jeans.

* * *

Next chapter: Will Jack get Kate to the hospital in time to save the baby? Will he ever get to feel it? Will they ever agree on a name? (And will you have to wait _another_ two weeks to find out? Hint, hint.) ;)


	16. Chapter 16

Thanks for the reviews. I was just kidding about making you wait two weeks. I'm not _that_ mean! ;)

* * *

Chapter 16.

"Is that…?"

All of the colour drained from Kate's face, and her hand drifted up to cover her mouth when she saw what had caused Jack to fall silent. It wasn't much, but they both knew that she shouldn't be bleeding at all this late in her pregnancy.

"Jack? What's happening?" she stammered, her expression one of bewilderment as she tried to push herself to her feet, but she was trembling so hard that her knees gave out and he had to leap down from his own stepladder in order to catch her in time.

He couldn't give her a concrete answer, not without her cooperation. He gripped her shoulders gently but firmly to get her to look at him. "Listen to me, Kate. I need you to focus, okay?" he told her, forcing himself to remain calm as he thought of all the things that he knew could have gone wrong, and all the things that he didn't. "Does it feel like you could be having contractions?"

"Contractions…?" Her eyes grew wide as she realised what he was getting at. "I don't understand, Jack. I'm not due for _four months_."

He knew what she was thinking because it was the same idea that was circling his mind on a sickening loop. It was too early. If she was in labour and they couldn't stop it, then they would lose this baby too.

"Just…" He struggled not to lose patience with her as he waited for her to give him more information; something, _anything_ that he could work with. "Does it hurt? Are you in any pain?"

She shook her head slowly and found himself relaxing as it occurred to him that this had to be a good sign. Whatever it was, it couldn't be that serious…

"I don't feel anything," she confessed, a hollow note in her tone as if she were already preparing herself for the worst and he felt his fear returning when he realised that she wasn't just answering his question, she was answering her own.

It was only then that he noticed how pale she was and he wondered if she was in shock. He hoped that that was all it was.

"He's not moving?"

She swallowed hard; it took her a few attempts before she managed to choke out, "Not for a couple of hours, but I… I just figured he was resting, you know? He… he does that sometimes."

Tears welled in her eyes as she glanced down at her belly, covering it gingerly with her palm and when she lifted them to his he could see the naked terror there. "Oh God, Jack, is he…?"

He knew what she was going to say before she said it. "_No_," he insisted, louder than he'd intended, cutting her off before she could give the thought voice. She might have shut down, but he couldn't even allow himself to consider the possibility that it was over, that there was really nothing anyone could do.

"No," he repeated, softer when her chest heaved and she let out a ragged breath, fat tears spilling over onto her cheeks.

He wrapped his arm around her, pressing his lips to her forehead, his heart constricting painfully as he tried to keep from crying himself. "Hey, he's gonna be fine, you hear me?"

At this she just sobbed harder.

As he led her out of the nursery, he was dimly aware of the paint congealing in thick strokes across the walls and he prayed that he would get a chance to fix it. "You're both gonna be fine."

* * *

He called Sophie on the way to the hospital, grateful when she told him that he should bring Kate straight up to Maternity. He didn't know what he would have done if they were forced to sit in the crowded waiting area while Kate bled out.

He wasn't going to leave her until he knew that she was okay, so he followed them in despite Sophie's protests, planting himself where he could observe the exam without getting in the way.

"The good news is that it's not a miscarriage," Sophie told them as she lowered the volume on the ultrasound so that they could concentrate on what she was saying. She'd already assured them that the baby looked good, and that his heart rate was steady; Jack gave Kate's hand a gentle squeeze, flashing her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "The _bad_ news is that there's another explanation."

He'd known that there had to be a catch the moment she mentioned good news, but this didn't stop his heart from sinking when he realised that there were a million other ways that it could all fall apart.

"What you have is a condition called _Placenta Previa_," she told Kate in a clinical tone that made it difficult to tell what she was thinking, or how concerned they should be. "It affects 1 in about 200 pregnancies so it's not extremely common, but it's definitely not unheard of."

He searched his memory for anything else that he might have learned about it in medical school, anything that might help him understand why it was happening but he found himself drawing a blank. If it was there, he couldn't access it; his mind was too clouded with fear for Kate and their child.

"Basically it occurs when the placenta attaches itself too close to the cervix. There are three different types, depending on the severity of the obstruction." She showed them a row of diagrams to illustrate before turning back to the screen, and Jack had to force himself to listen, to focus on the facts. "In your case it's only partial so there's still a chance that it may correct itself before it becomes too much of an issue."

Her assurance that it might not be irreversible filled Jack with fresh hope. "So what you're saying is, she could still go on to have a normal pregnancy?" he checked.

Sophie frowned, her expression clouding with what he recognised at once as pity and he knew that he wasn't going to like the answer. "I'm not going to lie to you, Jack," she said, apparently determined to shatter any delusions he might have about Kate's prognosis. "This is a serious concern.

"Best case scenario, the placenta could migrate upwards and she _could_ go on to have a healthy full term pregnancy. Worse case scenario—" He felt Kate crush his fingers in hers as they braced themselves for the real bad news "—some of the risks include restrictions in foetal growth, pre-term delivery, postpartum haemorrhaging and infection in the mother and even an increased incidence of birth defects."

At least she hadn't said anything about them losing the baby. While this was slightly better than what he'd been imagining, he could see that it had done nothing to put Kate's fears at ease. "But he's gonna be alright? The baby?" she insisted, her voice rising in panic. "He'll be early but he'll still be okay?"

He noticed with a growing sense of apprehension that Sophie was careful not to answer her question directly, skipping ahead to how she wanted to proceed. He'd done it enough times himself to know that it meant she wasn't confident enough about the outcome to promise anything at this stage.

"The first step is for us to get the bleeding under control. I'd like to keep you here for a couple of days so that I can monitor you and the baby, and then I'm going to prescribe bed rest at home for the next fortnight to see how that goes. If there's no improvement then we may have to consider hospitalising you for the remainder of your pregnancy."

She softened when she saw how devastated Kate was that even with all of that she couldn't give her any guarantee. "As I said, we still have time. The placenta may realign itself and then you should be able to give birth as normal.

"But if things continue the way that they are, I'm going to recommend that we schedule a c-section for as soon as the baby's lungs are developed enough to give him a good chance at survival…"

* * *

Kate had burst into tears as soon as Sophie left them alone in her room, but almost half an hour later she seemed to have worn herself out, lying placidly on her side while Jack stroked her hair.

"It's not fair. This isn't how it was supposed to be," she complained. "I don't want them to just _cut _him out of me before he's even had time to finish growing. I never got to give birth with Aaron. I was supposed to have that this time. It was supposed to be perfect."

He knew what a blow this must be for her after she'd spent the better part of a year eating all the right foods and reading all the right books and depriving herself of anything that might jeopardise her dream of motherhood. She'd planned _everything_, down to the last detail and yet this was something that even she couldn't have anticipated.

"I know, it _isn't_ fair," he agreed as he smoothed the curls back from her temple, placing a soft kiss against it, noting with a pang that she still hadn't had a chance to wash the paint out of her hair, "and I wish you didn't have to go through it, but it doesn't look like we have much of a choice. You want our son to be born healthy and safe, right?"

She nodded tearfully.

"So we have to do whatever Sophie thinks is best for him."

While he had doubts of his own about a premature delivery given the risk to the baby, he was even more afraid of the risk to both of them as long as he remained inside of her.

Losing another child would be painful enough, but if something happened to her…

It wasn't something that he was willing to contemplate, so he decided to change the subject, in the hopes of improving both of their moods.

"That last name you suggested… Nathaniel?"

He wasn't sure where the thought came from, but it struck him that maybe if they stopped arguing and reached a decision it would make everything seem less tenuous. Maybe then he wouldn't have to be so afraid.

"Like the author. Nathaniel Hawthorne," she explained when he shook his head, at a loss for what she was talking about. "We had to read _The House of the Seven Gables_ for English junior year. It was good." She flashed him a wry grin and he rewarded her with a self-deprecating laugh when she added, "You wouldn't like it – too many unexplainable things happen."

"Do you remember what it means?" he asked her when she sobered.

"Yeah," she agreed, her voice growing soft as she touched her belly over the blankets. "It means 'A gift'."

He grinned at how perfectly it seemed to fit. If he hadn't known it before, then the last few hours had taught him how precious their son was. "Looks like we finally have a winner."

* * *

Next chapter: Jack keeps Kate (and the baby) entertained while she's on bedrest and maybe a visit from Claire and Aaron... ;)


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks for the reviews. Just so everyone knows I'm going to wrap this up around chapter 20... ;)

* * *

Chapter 17.

Kate had only been out of hospital for three days and already she couldn't remember a time when she'd been this bored.

It took almost forty-eight hours before Jack conceded that bed rest didn't have to be literal and agreed to let her move down to the couch, but even that was little consolation when she could only get up to go the bathroom.

He was so overprotective; it was almost a relief when he decided to stop babysitting her and return to work, except that that the alternative was long hours of lying in front of the TV, waiting for him to come home so that she would have someone to talk to.

"You can't leave me," she insisted on the morning of his first shift back, sitting up in bed and fixing him with an accusing glance as she watched him button his shirt. "I'm starting to feel like an incubator here."

"A beautiful, sexy incubator," he murmured, the mattress dipping under his weight as he leant over to kiss her, before he lowered his head to pay the baby the same attention.

She tried not to smile at how careful his movements were as he eased her pyjama top up over her belly, the light stubble on his chin ticking her as he finished saying goodbye.

"Sexy? If I were you I would divorce me," she complained, flopping back against the pillows with a frustrated sigh when he replaced it and straightened. How could he not be disgusted at having an invalid for a wife? He couldn't even touch her anymore without having to worry that he was compromising her pregnancy.

"I thought these moods were supposed to go away in the second trimester?" he teased her, shaking his head with an incredulous grin as he went back to knotting his tie.

"A lot of things were _supposed_ to happen, Jack," she reminded him with a dark look, refusing to be charmed out of her well-deserved funk. There weren't supposed to be any serious complications. She was supposed to enjoy having their baby without being told that it had _a_ _good chance_ of surviving.

"Hey. Cheer up, okay?" he pleaded, turning serious when despite his best efforts, he failed to elicit even a tiny smile. He perched on the edge of the bed, brushing the hair from her eyes so that he could kiss the side of her face. "I don't want you to be depressed today – not when I have a surprise for you."

As if to prove his point, the doorbell rang then and he helped her down to the living room, returning with Claire and Aaron in tow.

"Aunty Kate!" Aaron cried, the piece of construction paper he was carrying flapping in the breeze as he raced towards her.

She was sure that he would have jumped on her if given the chance; she cringed when Claire called out, "Careful, Aaron! Remember how we talked about Aunty Kate being sick?" and he skidded to a halt, eyeing her with a guilty look.

"This is for you," he explained, his smile shy as he approached the couch at a more reasonable pace, offering the paper to her. "Mommy helped me make it."

"Thank you, Aaron," she said as he put it into her hands, tears springing to her eyes when she saw that it was a card, decorated with stick figures that she assumed were meant to be them, Jack and Claire. Across the top Claire had printed 'Get Well Soon'.

She wished that she could chalk it up to hormones, but she couldn't remember the last time that she'd been so touched. "That is so sweet," she told him, flashing Claire a grateful smile so that she would know how much she appreciated it. "Thank you guys."

"It was Aaron's idea. Jack told me what happened," Claire confessed, setting Aaron's backpack down on the floor and dropping into one of the armchairs. "How've you holding up?"

"I'm okay," she agreed, propping the card on the coffee table where she could admire it. "I'm not in any pain – it's just the waiting that's killing me. Our doctor says it could be weeks before we know for sure if I'm gonna need a c-section."

"You poor thing," Claire gushed with a sympathetic wince. "This whole situation really sucks."

Jack broke the companionable silence that fell over them when he cleared his throat, sneaking one last glance at his watch as he straightened. "I have to get to the hospital but you ladies have fun."

He kissed the top of Kate's head, ruffling Aaron's hair as he dodged him on the way to pick up his keys.

"So other than that, how are you?" Claire asked once he was gone and they were all settled, her with coffee and Kate and Aaron with orange juice.

"I'm great," Kate assured her with an ironic grin. "Morning sickness has passed but my legs are starting to cramp, my hands are so swollen I had to take off my rings, I have heartburn at least twelve hours a day and the rest of the time I just feel bloated and _fat _…"

"In other words, you're pregnant," Claire agreed, rolling her eyes and as they both laughed, Kate was glad that Jack had called her.

He was amazing – supportive to the point that it was almost smothering – but it wasn't the same as talking to someone who'd experienced it firsthand.

"Yeah."

She didn't realise that Aaron had been listening until his pencil froze and glanced up from the picture he was colouring, his head cocked to the side in thought.

"It's okay, Aunty Kate," he told her once he'd considered her appearance. "You're still pretty even if you are fat. And you're only a little fat. You just have to exercise and the fat will go away."

At first Kate was so stunned that all she could do was stare at him open-mouthed; she exchanged a titillated glance with Claire before they both burst into fits of laughter.

"Honey, my tummy isn't big because I'm fat," she explained when they recovered, biting back a smile at his bemused expression. "It's big because there's a baby in there."

He sat up so that he could examine it, his curious look turning to a dubious frown as he asked, "How did it get in there?"

It was the question that she was both anticipating and dreading. "Don't look at me," she told Claire, throwing her hands up when she caught her watching her with a helpless expression and she realised what she wanted. "_You're_ his mom."

"You just wait until it's _your_ turn," Claire complained, shooting her a thanks-for-nothing-glare as she shifted her attention back to her son.

"Well, you see, Aaron—" she began, licking her lips with a nervous laugh, but she was saved from having to fumble her way through an explanation when Aaron decided that this wasn't what he really wanted to know.

"Are you his mommy?" he pressed, and Kate wasn't sure how to answer. She didn't want him to get jealous of the baby because it got to stay with her, while he was sent away, or worse, think that he'd been replaced. It was hard enough when Jack was the one suggesting it.

"Yeah, I'm his mommy," she agreed after a long moment, deciding that it was better for everyone if she was honest with him now. Then maybe he would have gotten used to the idea of her having another baby by the time his new cousin arrived.

"But you were my mommy first," he insisted; she braced herself for another tantrum, but he was taking the news better than she would have expected.

"Does that mean I lived inside your tummy too? When I was a baby?" he continued, to her astonishment.

When she glanced at Claire, she could see how relieved she was.

He wasn't angry or upset. He was just trying to figure out where he came from, who he belonged to.

"No, sweetie, you lived inside your real mommy. In Claire," Kate corrected him, hoping that this would help him understand why she had to let him go. "But then she had to go away." She smiled as she caught Claire's eye. "I just took care of you until she came back."

* * *

"Was today as bad as you thought it was gonna be?" Jack asked when he joined her in the living room after changing out of his work clothes.

Claire had left to get Aaron ready for bed; Kate had spent the hour since then flipping through the channels, watching bits of old sitcoms as she waited for him to finish his shift.

"No, it was nice. Thank you," she agreed, returning his kiss with more enthusiasm than she had that morning. She wasn't any less unhappy about being ordered to rest, but after having Aaron there to remind her of why she was putting herself through it, she was beginning to feel more like herself.

"You should've seen the look on Claire's face when Aaron asked us how the baby got inside me," she told him, shifting to make room for him.

"He didn't," he insisted, the corners of his lips quirking with amusement as she sank onto the couch.

"He did," she agreed, grinning as she settled back into the cushions. "I've never been so glad that I _wasn't _his mother. Lucky for her he lost interest pretty quickly."

"Crisis averted then," he said with a soft chuckle, pulling her legs into his lap so that he could massage her calves. The action was sweet enough in itself, but what she loved most was that she didn't have to ask.

"For about three years," she reminded him, closing her eyes and letting her hands fall back against her belly as he worked his way up to her thighs.

"I am definitely not looking forward to having that talk. In fact, just so you know, I'm nominating you," she told him, laughing as she imagined his embarrassment at trying to explain the facts of life to their son. "You're the one with the medical degree."

"Oh, so when he's cute and naive, he's yours, but when he's got the big questions…?" he complained, kissing her nose as he put her legs down and climbed to his feet.

"Sounds good to me."

She watched him go over to one of the side tables and retrieve something thin and rectangular.

"What's that?" she asked him, pushing herself up so that she could see it better as he headed back to the couch.

"It's called a book, Kate," he teased her, returning to his spot beside her.

"Really? I didn't know that," she countered with a smirk. "What I meant was, _Goodnight Moon_, Jack? Aren't we both a little past that?"

"It's for the baby," he confessed, smoothing his palm over the cover.

"I'm pretty sure he can't read yet," she joked, convinced that he was still making fun of her. "In fact, unless he's developed some kind of x-ray vision that we don't know about, it might be a little hard."

"I was hoping you'd let me read it to him," he explained.

"He's a foetus, Jack," she reminded him, sighing when she registered the seriousness in his tone. It wasn't like their son would understand any of it. "He doesn't even know what the moon is."

"No, but he can still hear me," he insisted. "I want him to get to know my voice, especially since I'm not gonna be around to talk to him all the time."

She knew that he was disappointed that he hadn't been able to bond with the baby like she had. "Fine," she agreed, giving in when she saw how important this was to him. "But it's been a long day, and I'm exhausted, so you won't mind if I take a nap."

She waited for him to get comfortable, lowering herself onto her side so that her head was nestled in his lap. If nothing else, it gave her an excuse to cuddle up to him.

He turned to the first page, keeping the book open with one hand while he rested the other over her belly.

"_Goodnight room, goodnight moon_…" he began, trailing off when she tried and failed to suppress her laughter.

"This is ridiculous, Jack," she complained, feeling awkward and self-conscious. "Are you sure he can hear you?"

"Yes. Now _shh_…" he agreed, going back to the beginning and starting again. _"Goodnight room, goodnight moon_…"

She couldn't deny that what he was doing was cute; as she listened, she found that his rhythmic tone had a soothing effect on her. She didn't even mind that the baby refused to relax with her, twirling and kicking inside of her. She just wanted to sleep.

"_Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light, and the red balloon…"_

She wasn't aware that he'd stopped until he called her name. "Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"Did you feel that?" he asked and it occurred to her that his voice had changed, and was now higher, louder, more excited.

"Baby kicked," she managed to agree, trying to hold onto her pleasant drowsiness. "I guess he likes it…"

Her eyes snapped open when she came out of her trance and realised that this time he'd known without her having to tell him. "Wait, did you?" She was almost afraid to ask, in case all she got was that look, the one that told her how lucky she was, how much he wished that he could trade places with her.

His face split into a broad grin and she knew his answer before the words were even out of his mouth. "Yeah, Kate. I felt it."

* * *

Next chapter: Jack and Kate made arrangments for the birth, but will everything go according to plan? ;)


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks for the reviews. I know some of you will be disappointed that I'm updating this instead of the KISS series but humour/fluff is harder to shape than drama so I'm still working on the final installment. Rest assured it _is_ coming. Faster if you review... ;)

* * *

Chapter 18.

While at the end of the two weeks there was a slight improvement in Kate's condition, it wasn't enough to keep the order from becoming indefinite.

Jack would have preferred to let Sophie admit her then, where he could check on her during his rounds, but he understood her desire to remain at home so he cut back his hours to avoid having to rely too much on Claire.

Despite the fact that she couldn't leave the house, except to visit the doctor, he was determined to keep their relationship as normal as possible. He took over the cooking or ordered take out when he couldn't find the energy, and they ate together on the couch, her plate balanced comically on top of her growing belly so that she wouldn't spill food on herself. And at night when she was wrapped in his arms, in front of the TV or in bed, he was glad that she didn't have to sleep at the hospital. Otherwise he would never be able to leave there either.

Sophie was giving them until her thirty-second week before they had to make a final decision about the method of delivery; as they crossed off the days leading up to her appointment, Jack found himself growing more apprehensive. He'd run through the list enough times with his own patients to know the dangers inherent to any surgical procedure, however common, not to mention the extended recovery time for both Kate and the baby.

When they'd first discovered that they were finally going to be parents, he'd been naïve enough to believe that they would walk out those doors with their newborn less than twenty-four hours after he brought Kate in. Now it looked like it would be weeks before they would be able to bond with their son without doctors and nurses and hospital regulations.

"Well?" he insisted as he watched Sophie scrutinize the image on the ultrasound, her tense expression setting him on edge.

"_Well_, neither of you is going to like what I have to say," she agreed, swivelling around on her stool to face them with a frown. "I know you were hoping that I'd give you my blessing to go ahead with a natural birth, but while the placenta has migrated, I'm concerned that if I allow Kate to go into labour it will create an unnecessary risk."

Kate closed her eyes in resignation, letting her head drop against the top of the bed and he squeezed her hand gently. In an ideal world it wasn't what he would have wished for either, but if it was a choice between surgery and endangering her and their unborn child…

"At thirty-two weeks the baby's lungs are still developing," Sophie continued and he tensed at the realisation that she wasn't going to let her go to term. "I'm going to schedule a c-section for a month from now when – with any luck – he should be able to breathe his own."

She wanted to do it as soon as possible, before any of the side effects that she'd described – impeded growth, haemorrhaging, infection, birth defects – became an issue. She would do what she could for their son, but Kate's health was her first priority.

If it came to that and they had to make a choice he would be able to live with it if it meant keeping her safe, but knowing what this baby meant to her he wasn't sure that she would feel the same.

He could see how horrified she was at the idea of gambling with their son's life like that. "_Should_? He _should_ be able to breathe? What happens if he can't?"

He let go of her fingers, shifting his palms to her shoulders to soothe her when she sat up. "It just means he'll have to go into an incubator for a while," he explained, looking to Sophie for reassurance.

Sophie nodded, fixing her with a kind smile. "Jack's right. Either way he'll probably need to spend some time in the NICU, but I want you to remember, Kate, that the chances of survival after thirty-six weeks are almost one hundred percent."

* * *

Kate left to go to the bathroom as soon as her appointment was over, while Jack stayed behind in the exam room to talk to Sophie.

When he searched the corridors for her afterwards, he felt a pang in his heart at the sight of her leaning against the glass outside the nursery, her expression rueful.

"You okay?" he asked, coming up beside her, watching with newborns with her as he waited for her to speak. They were all so small; it was hard to imagine how much smaller their own child would be.

"I just can't believe I'm gonna be one of those moms – you know, the ones who beat their baby home from the hospital," she said after a long moment, and when she turned to him he could see the tears in her eyes.

"You heard what she said," he murmured, slipping his arms around her so that his hands rested over her belly. Their son's kicks were becoming more pronounced each day; pressing down, he smiled when what could have been a foot or a fist thumped back against his palm. "It's all gonna work out. He's gonna be fine, Kate."

_He has to be._

"Let's go somewhere," she said, ignoring this as she wriggled out of his grip.

Her sudden refusal to discuss the subject of the baby concerned him. It was like she'd shut down, the way she had the first few times he'd rushed her there.

"You're supposed to be on bed rest," he reminded her, reluctant to do anything that might make the situation worse.

"I can't just sit around waiting, Jack – I'll go out of my mind," she insisted, her voice rising in desperation when he remained unconvinced that it was a good idea. What they should do was talk but it seemed like that was out of the question. "I'm dressed, we're already out… Please, let's just do something – _anything_.

"The next time we come here I'm having surgery and then we're gonna need to be here for the baby. Who knows when we'll get another chance?"

He wanted to tell her no, but he couldn't, not when she was right. With everything that she was facing, she deserved some fun, just as long as she didn't over do it.

"Okay," he agreed, knowing that he was going to regret giving in to her.

He contemplated going back and checking with Sophie, dismissing the idea when he heard her voice in his head, warning him against it. She would err on the side of caution even though there was a high likelihood that nothing would happen.

"I'll take you to a movie, but then you have to _promise me_ it's back to bed as soon as we get home. No excuses."

She lit up in response, looking more alive than she had in weeks. "It's a deal."

* * *

Despite her lack of protest, he half expected her to stage a mutiny now that she'd already won, but to his relief she didn't argue again, heading straight upstairs to take a shower and change into her pyjamas.

As he helped her get settled, fetching some extra pillows from the guest room to support her belly, he noticed that her expression was pained. "Hey, what's wrong?" he pressed, afraid that he'd let her push herself too hard.

"It's my back," she explained, wincing as she tried to get comfortable, "I spend all day on the couch – I guess I'm still not used to carrying this extra weight around," and he relaxed at her assurance that it was just a standard pregnancy symptom.

It didn't seem fair that she had to deal with those on top of everything else. He urged her to lie down on her side, climbing onto the mattress beside her so that he could rub it for her, grinning when her eyes drifted shut and he knew that he'd found the right spot. "Better?"

"Mmm," she agreed as her breathing slowed, her voice soft and thick with exhaustion. "Thanks."

* * *

She spent the rest of the afternoon and evening dozing, waking just long enough to eat dinner and to scoot back against his chest when he finally joined her.

He knew that she was having trouble staying asleep, but he assumed that she was still unsettled by the news Sophie had given them; he didn't think much of it when the light from the bathroom roused him around 2.a.m. until he noticed how unsteady her movements were as she made her way back to bed.

If he hadn't known any better he would have guessed that she was drunk.

"Back still bothering you?" he asked, turning over to face her as she crawled back in beside him, concerned when he switched on the lamp and saw how pale she was. Her toes brushed his shin as her eyes fluttered closed and he jerked his leg back. They were freezing.

"Kate?" he called to get her attention but she remained unresponsive. He sat up, shaking her gently. "Kate, I need you to answer me, okay? Is it just your back or are you having contractions as well?"

She glanced up at him in confusion, letting out a soft moan. "I think… I think I'm gonna be sick," she managed to choke out and he just had time to grab the trashcan from the bathroom before her chest heaved and she emptied the contents of her stomach into it.

"I'm pretty sure you're in labour," he told her when her head dropped back against the pillow, trying not to let her see how terrified he was. She was so disoriented. There was a good chance that she didn't even remember how dangerous Sophie said it could be. "Can you stand?"

If he could get her to the car…

"_No_," she insisted, seeming to come to her senses, but her body was limp when he tried to pull her up and he couldn't get her to move. "It's too early. He's not ready."

She was too heavy for him to lift, especially when she was being so uncooperative.

"Hey, shh, I know, honey, that's why we need to get to the hospital," he agreed in what he hoped was a confident tone. If he didn't keep her calm her contractions would start coming harder and stronger and then it really would be too late. "They'll be able to give you something to hold it off until he is."

When he could see that he wasn't going to be able to get her there on his own he pushed himself to his feet. "I'm gonna call an ambulance, okay?" he told her, smoothing the curls back from her face as beads of sweat began to form on her forehead. "You just try to relax. I'll be right back."

"I'm sorry, Jack," she muttered as he picked up the phone, and he thought that it was just the shock talking until she added, "If I hadn't…"

Her voice faded as her eyes rolled back into her head, and this time when he reached over to wake her up he saw that she was haemorrhaging, the blood soaking though her pyjamas, staining the white sheets red.

* * *

Next chapter: Another dash to the hospital, but will they be able to stop the bleeding in time to save Kate and the baby? And some Jack and Claire bonding as they wait for news... ;)


	19. Chapter 19

Thanks for the reviews. I was going to withhold the next update until interest in this fic (and the KISS series) rose again but since that wouldn't be fair to those of you who've supported it throughout and this chapter was _really_ long, I decided to post half of it instead... ;)

* * *

Chapter 19.

"How is she?" Claire asked as she burst into the waiting area.

When Jack called her on his cell from the ER to tell her what was happening she'd insisted on meeting him there. He couldn't seem to find the strength to argue with her at the time but he was glad for that now. He could do with the company.

"I don't know," he confessed when she sank into the armchair beside his, his elbows braced against his knees as he massaged his brow with both hands. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there like that. It felt like hours but it couldn't have been if she'd only just arrived. "She lost a lot of blood. She was in hypovolemic shock when we got here. They took her straight into surgery – I tried to get them to let me scrub in but..."

He wasn't sure he was expecting – confirmation of how unfair this last part was maybe – but whatever it was she wasn't giving it to him. "She's in surgery?"

"To deliver the baby," he agreed. Even in her weakened state Kate had pleaded for more time, but when the final decision fell to him he'd given Sophie permission to do whatever she needed to to save her. Let her hate him for it when she was out of danger. "We were supposed to wait until his lungs were ready but it was the only way to stop her from bleeding out."

"And how're you?" Claire checked, her light eyes boring into his with a concern when he glanced up at her.

The question caught him off guard. How was he? He didn't know that either.

He wanted to believe that he was handling the situation with the kind of stoicism that she and the other survivors had come to expect from him, but in truth he was terrified. And the only person who knew how to ease that was fighting a battle of her own.

"I keep thinking that if I'd just listened to my instincts… If I wasn't trying so hard to make her happy…" he tried to explain, his confidence wavering as he wondered if this was really something that he should admit, even to his sister.

Even if she survived, he knew that it wasn't something that he would ever be able to talk to Kate about; he had to get it off his chest, to have her agree that he wasn't a bad person – or a bad father – for entertaining such dark thoughts, so he forced himself to press on.

"Ever since we decided to do this it's been one emergency after another. I thought I knew what I was signing up for, but sometimes – when I think about everything that's happened – I don't even know if it's worth it."

He lifted his head to meet her eyes, expecting to see horror; disgust; disappointment there, relieved when all she had to offer him was sympathy.

"It might not feel like it now, Jack," she insisted, "but trust me, when you hold that little boy in your arms for the first time…" She shook her head, her face lighting up into an affectionate smile. "I didn't even know I was capable of that kind of love until Aaron was born. You won't either."

"I just… I can't lose her, Claire," he told her, his voice coming out raw and hoarse as he grappled with his emotions. He'd loved her for so long. He didn't know what he would do without her in his life.

She reached for his hand, squeezing it where it rested against his cheek. "And you won't."

* * *

It was almost an hour before there was any news.

He leapt out of his seat when he heard the double doors that led to the OR open, scrutinizing Sophie's expression as she untied her surgical mask and came towards them.

"How…?"

"We were able to stop the bleeding and stabilise her," she assured him, and he let out the breath that he was holding. "She'll need a transfusion, but at this stage – provided there aren't any unforseen complications – I'm expecting her to make a full recovery."

The tension left him then and he began to relax, his shoulders slumping with relief.

"And the baby? Is he…? Is he okay too?" he pressed, feeling guilty for what he'd said earlier now that the worst of his fears had been allayed. If he wasn't, then he didn't think that he would ever be able to forgive himself. It would be like he'd jinxed it somehow.

"_She _only weighs a little over four pounds, so she's a lot smaller than I would have liked, but she's a survivor just like her mom and dad," Sophie confessed and it wasn't until she said it again that he understood what he was hearing. "She's breathing on her own – I have to run some tests to be sure but it looks like you'll be able to take her home in a couple of weeks."

"She?" he repeated, just in case she'd misspoken. "I thought you said we were having a boy?"

"I _guessed_ that you were having a boy. I also said I could be wrong," Sophie reminded him with a laugh.

"A girl. I have a daughter," he told Claire, his face breaking into a slow, dazed grin as this finally sunk in. He'd gotten so used to the idea that his child was a boy that it was hard to see it as anything else.

"Congratulations, Jack," she agreed, the corners of her lips twisting into a smile at his reaction. She threw her arms around his neck, pecking his cheek as she embraced him. "It's a good thing I haven't gotten around to picking out a gift for my niece yet, otherwise it would've had trucks on it or something."

"I've ordered that she be put in an incubator, just until her lungs have had a little more time to grow," Sophie continued once they'd both settled down, "but we're taking her to the NICU now if you'd like to see her.

"I hope you don't mind," she added to Claire, "but we usually only allow the parents to go through."

"You should probably get back to Aaron," Jack told her, shooting her an apologetic look, feeling guilty when he realised that he hadn't thought to ask who was watching him. It couldn't have been easy for her to find a sitter so late at night on such short notice. It made him appreciate what she'd just done for him even more.

"Are you sure you'll be all right on your own?" she checked. "Because I can stay as long as you need me to."

"It's okay, I've got it from here," he assured her, giving her another brief hug. "Thanks for coming down, Claire."

She smiled as she turned towards the lift. "Anytime."

* * *

Whatever picture Jack had had in his head of his daughter, this wasn't it.

"This is her?" he repeated, stunned by the sight of a baby that couldn't be more than fifteen inches long from the top of her head to her toes, her reddish skin thin and wrinkled, her head far too large for her tiny body. "She's so small."

Despite her pink cap and diaper she still looked more like a foetus than a living, breathing child, the thought filling him with awe that she'd survived. If ever there was a reason for him to start believing in miracles, she was it.

"She's small now but I've seen babies born as early as twenty-four weeks grow up to be healthy, active kids," Sophie assured him. "There's no need to worry too much, Jack. The mortality rate for infants at her stage of development is very, very low. Less than ten per cent."

"What do I do?" he asked, feeling huge and clumsy by comparison. She seemed so delicate, so fragile, like a doll; he was afraid that if he tried to touch her he would crush her.

"You can try talking to her if you want," Sophie suggested. "She's been through a lot in the last few hours. I'm sure the sound of your voice would be very comforting to her."

"What do I say?" he insisted, wishing that he'd had the foresight to bring her book. Even Kate agreed that she seemed to like it. He would have to remember to get it later when things settled down and went home to pack a bag for them.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Sophie told him with a smile, leaving them alone as she headed back out into the main room of the nursery to check on the other infants.

He dragged a stool up to the side of the incubator once she was out of earshot, clearing his throat as he tried to gather his thoughts.

"Hi," he began, watching her with a self-conscious smile, wondering if she could somehow understand him when she stirred, flexing her limbs on the other side of the glass.

There were so many things that he wanted to tell her, but most of all he wanted her to know how sorry he was for all the times he'd given up on her and almost wished her out of existence now that she was finally here.

"I know you probably didn't mean to, but you gave your mommy and me quite a scare," he confessed, swallowing against the pent up emotion that bubbled inside his throat. It was hard to believe that their ordeal was almost over. All he needed now was for Kate to wake up so that she could see what they'd done.

He slid his hand through one of the holes, almost covering her miniature palm with his thumb, smiling when she closed her fingers around it. Her grip was strong, stronger than he'd thought it would be.

"We didn't think you'd be here for a while… and you're not what we were expecting… but just between you and me? I'm glad you're not a boy…"

* * *

That should please many of you. :)

Next chapter: Kate wakes up, but how will she handle the news that their baby wasn't a boy? ;)


	20. Chapter 20

Thanks for the reviews. :) I'm glad you all liked my surprise. Letting them think the baby was a boy for all that time was mostly a way for them to deal with some of their issues, but I agree that a girl is less sensitive in the long run.

I've been thinking and I decided that since 22 is a better number to finish on than 21, and I'm torn between two equally cute ideas, if reviews keep up I will give you_ two_ epilogues instead of the usual one... ;)

* * *

Chapter 20.

The last thing Kate remembered Jack was insisting that she was in labour; everything after that was lost in a haze of bright lights and distant voices so she was confused when, what seemed like moments later, she opened her eyes onto the pastel walls of a hospital room.

"Hey, welcome back," someone whispered, a calloused palm coming up to smooth the curls from her face, and she turned her head to see Jack sitting beside her, his eyes ringed with dark circles, the fingers of his free hand entwined with hers. "How're you feeling?"

Slowly the memories came rushing back through the fog: waking up in the middle of the night, her whole body aching, blood, drifting in and out of consciousness as she pleaded with Jack not to let them cut her open…

With a mounting sense of dread it struck her that the heavy feeling of being pregnant was gone, along with the gentle, reassuring movements from within. Instead her belly had shrunk to a third of the size it was when she passed out: deflated, empty. Lifeless. "The baby…"

Jack let go of her hand and jumped from his seat when she struggled to push herself upright. "Careful. Don't try to sit up.

She understood why when a searing pain ripped through her.

"You had a c-section, Kate," he explained, helping her back against the pillows, and when she touched it she felt the bandages through the thin fabric of her hospital gown. "But before you panic again, the baby's fine."

He grinned as he returned to his chair, looking every bit the proud new father as he added, "Better than fine. Perfect."

Even though she was disappointed that she would never get to share those precious first moments with them, she found herself smiling at his description. Somehow she'd always known that he would be.

"What time is it?" she asked when she noticed how dark it still was.

"It's a little after seven," he confessed. "You've been drifting in and out all day." His expression shifted back to one of concern. "Do you remember what happened?"

"I remember puking in the trash can," she joked without much enthusiasm. There would be plenty of time for him to tell the story later; right now she was more interested in making up for sleeping through their son's first hours of life. "How does he look? Can I see him?"

He laughed at her eagerness, his lips twisting into a smile that she couldn't interpret, and she got the sense that there was something she was missing. It wasn't _that_ funny.

"You can," he agreed, pushing himself to his feet. "But you just had major surgery, so you're gonna have to take it easy. Just hold on while I get you a wheelchair."

Her impatience grew when he insisted on lifting her into it, transferring her IV to the hook on the back. She'd waited so long for this moment that she had to fight the urge to get out and run as he pushed her down the hall with painstaking care. If she wasn't afraid of tearing her stitches she was sure that she would have at least considered it.

When they finally reached the NICU she was surprised to read the sign hanging over one of the incubators. "'Baby Shephard', Jack? You didn't tell them the name we had for him?" she pressed, wondering if he'd had second thoughts now that their son was actually here.

She could see his smile reflected in the glass as he stopped her in front of it, close enough for her to take in a tiny, thin-limbed infant no longer than her forearm. "We could still call _her_ Nathaniel, Kate, but I'm not sure how well that would go down in the playground."

Her brain was still sluggish from the anaesthetic and the painkillers that they'd been feeding her; it took a moment for her to comprehend what he'd said and what she was seeing.

Beneath their surname were the words, "I'M A GIRL" in unmistakable pink lettering and as she stared at the newborn in shock she noticed that it was wearing a pink hat.

"Our baby was a boy, Jack. Are you sure they didn't get them mixed up somehow?" she asked him, confused. Not for the first time she wished that she could remember what had happened in the delivery room.

"Oh this one's ours alright," he assured her with a soft chuckle, kneeling beside her so that they were level.

She watched him slide his hand through one of the holes at the side, touching his index finger to the baby's chest to greet her, envious of his confidence. "How d'you know?"

"Because she's the smallest baby in the nursery and her lungs are working perfectly," he explained as though this were obvious.

"And because she already looks like you," he added with an affectionate grin. "She's got your eyes."

She felt her own expression soften into a smile as she joined him in admiring the baby, thinking that maybe she could see a little of him in there too. She had the same furrowed brow and serious frown, only in miniature.

"But we can't have a girl," she insisted a moment later as a new thought occurred to her. "Everything we bought is blue and green." She cringed at the memory of how overboard she'd gone with the nursery. She'd been so _sure_…

She expected him to express his irritation again, and remind her of whose fault that was, but he just laughed and she realised that he'd never given up on the idea of them having a daughter.

"So we'll buy new stuff, or she'll just have to be a tomboy like her mom," he teased her, shifting his eyes back to her long enough to cup her cheek in his palm and place a tender kiss against her lips.

She decided then that anything that made him this happy could never make her _un_happy.

She was still trying to wrap her mind around this surprising set of circumstances when Dr. Handler came in.

"Couldn't wait to see the little one, huh?" she said as she paused to check the monitors hooked up to the baby. "How're you feeling tonight, Kate?"

"She's a little confused," Jack answered for her, turning to her with a playful smirk.

"That's perfectly normal after anaesthetic," Dr. Handler assured her with a kind smile as she watched her continue to study the baby.

She hated that the glass was acting as a barrier between her and her child, but she was afraid that she would dislodge something and hurt her if she tried to pick her up.

"Are you ready to meet her?"

Kate's breath hitched in her throat and she felt a surge of excitement. "She can come out?" she asked, glancing up at her with a hopeful look.

"For a little while," Dr. Hander agreed, rearranging the wires that snaked from the baby's chest and lifting her gently out of the incubator. "We find with preemies that being touched and talked to – especially by their parents – helps to stimulate their development."

"So what you're saying is, the more attention we give her, the better she'll do?" Jack checked, and Kate could see him mentally filing this information away for later.

"Skin to skin contact is especially beneficial, since hearing their mother's heartbeat reminds them of the womb," the doctor agreed.

"We can even try feeding her if you think you're up to it, Kate. The medication you're on won't hurt her, and it'll help with the bonding process," she suggested, moving to ease her into her arms, but before she could, Kate shook her head.

"Give her to Jack," she insisted, earning herself a sharp look.

She could see that he wasn't the only one surprised by her decision, but the doctor did as she instructed, swaddling the baby in a pink blanket and handing her to Jack. "Here you go, Daddy, just be careful of the tubes," she warned him.

He accepted her as gingerly, waiting for the doctor to finish adjusting the wires before nestling her against his chest.

"Well I'll leave you both to it," Dr. Handler said once she was settled. "Page me if you need anything, Jack."

There was something so natural about seeing the two of them together; Kate smiled as he brushed their daughter's tiny forehead with his lips, murmuring something that was meant only for her.

"You were right," she told him with a smile. "You kept saying she might not be a boy."

"You're not disappointed, are you?" he pressed, tearing his eyes from the baby so that he could study her. "I know you were looking forward to having a son."

She could see that he was concerned, his question sending her mind back to the day of her shopping trip with Claire, when he'd accused her of using _their _child to replace the one that she'd lost.

"_He's here and he's ours and that's _all_ that matters"_, she could still remember telling him.

It seemed so long ago now. So much had happened since then but that much still held true. This baby was theirs and nothing could change that.

"I just wanted you to be the first one to hold her," she explained and once he understood that it was a peace offering -- her way of assuring him that he was more than a sperm donor -- he smiled, returning his attention to the baby.

She watched them for a few minutes longer before she worked up the courage to stroke their daughter's cheek, afraid that if she touched her she would disappear and she would wake to find that it had all been a dream. After everything that they'd had to endure to get to that moment it was almost too good to be true.

"How could I be disappointed when she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen?"

It had taken months before she thought of herself as Aaron's mother; she was amazed at how immediate those maternal feelings were this time. She knew without any doubt that she'd never loved anything as much as she loved the tiny, defenceless creature in front of her.

She would have died for her. She almost did.

Almost as if sensing her thoughts, Jack glanced up at her again, his voice coming out in an awed whisper. "Kate, you're a mommy."

She could feel her eyes filling with tears on finally hearing those words and she smiled, her heart swelling with joy. For the first time in more than thirty years she didn't have to pretend to be happy because she was exactly who and where she wanted to be. "I know."

* * *

Next chapter: Domestic bliss as Jack and Kate bring their baby home from the hospital, and a new name is chosen... ;)


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks for the reviews. I really wanted to reach the two hundred mark so I'll tell you what: 10 more and I'll write the second epilogue. I'll even try to make it long.

I was really gutted when I got one overnight (out of 173 hits) for the one shot I posted a few days ago. It made me feel like it was complete and utter crap and I actually considered deleting it. So even just a few words from you guys would go a long way towards giving me back my confidence in my abilities. Cause I've gotta tell you, I'm getting really self-conscious about posting anything here, especially anything new. Which means the likelihood of me starting another fic after I've finished this one is pretty slim at the moment. Hits are wonderful but they don't tell you whether people are actually _reading_ or just clicking on the link. ;)

* * *

Epilogue

Somewhere Jack could hear Kate speaking.

He forced his eyes open, tilting his head towards her, but the covers had been thrown back on her side, and sitting up, he saw that the baby wasn't in her bassinette either.

As he listened, he caught snatches of her voice, so soft and distant that couldn't make out what she was saying, and he realised that it wasn't coming from another room. It was coming from the speaker on the nightstand.

With a smile, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and headed out into the hall, the sight that greeted him when he reached the nursery stopping him in his tracks.

Kate was in the rocking chair with their daughter swaddled in a pink blanket against her chest. He could tell that she'd just finished feeding her because her top button was still undone, the baby's cheek resting against her bare skin.

She was whispering things close to her ear as she rocked her; she looked tired but so peaceful that, as he watched, it occurred to him that _this_ was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen: the woman he loved holding their child without doctors or nurses or machines to interrupt them.

The weeks surrounding their daughter's birth had been difficult, from his frantic 911 call to the hospital to the time they'd spent visiting her in the NICU, but it had all been worth it when – satisfied that she'd put on enough weight – Sophie had finally agreed to let them bring her home that afternoon.

Jack admired the image for a moment longer, committing it to memory before crossing the threshold. "Hey," he said to alert Kate to his presence. "You should've woken me. I would've gotten up with you."

When she glanced up at him she was beaming. "It's okay, we've got it under control. She just needed a feed and a cuddle, didn't you, angel?" she cooed, kissing the tip of the baby's dainty upturned nose.

"Baby needed a cuddle or Momm_y _did?" he teased her with a grin. He was pretty sure that the only time she'd put their daughter down all evening was to sleep, and even then she couldn't stay away from her for long.

She laughed at these words, a pink flush creeping into her cheeks, but she didn't apologise, and he didn't really expect her to. More than anything he was just glad that she'd fallen as deeply in love with their child as he had.

"I wish we didn't have to call her 'the baby'," she told him as she watched their daughter's tiny eyelids flutter shut. Her tone was almost wistful as she added, "I can't believe she's almost three weeks old and we _still _don't have a name for her."

They'd tried but nothing was good enough; each time Jack looked at her she was still as much of a miracle as the first time he saw her and he knew that it was the same for Kate.

He moved the rest of the way into the nursery, picking the names book up off the dresser where it lay on top of the baby's worn copy of _Goodnight Moon_.

He'd read it to her at the hospital each night before they settled her in her incubator and returned to their room, and then again that evening when they put her down.

He was sure that she must recognise it because her eyes grew wide each time he began, and he could see her becoming more alert, but by the end she was always asleep, her fingers clutching limply at the fabric of his scrubs or his shirt.

"Well maybe we should try again," he suggested, pulling a chair up beside them. "Sooner or later something's gotta stick, right?"

He opened the cover, flipping through the pages that they'd taken turns marking, her in yellow and him in pink.

"Ella," he read, choosing on of his own, enjoying the way that it rolled off his tongue. "That's a good name – not too unusual, but not too common either."

It wasn't amazing, but he couldn't see any reason why she would reject it until she shook her head, jerking her chin towards the highlighted entry.

"See there? It means 'young _girl_'. Almost everything she owns is blue – we don't wanna give her a complex," she insisted and he chuckled, knowing that she still felt guilty for thinking their daughter was a boy, and for calling her one when she was able to hear her.

"Okay, so how do you feel about Grace?" he said, moving on.

She wrinkled her nose.

"We could call her Gracie if you think it's too formal," he continued in case this was her only issue with it, realising that he was losing again when she frowned.

"It's not that, it's just a lot to live up to," she explained with a sigh. "What if she turns out to be awkward and clumsy?"

He could still remember her disgust at learning that her name meant 'pure' and 'unsullied' when neither of those were words that she would use to describe herself.

"Hannah?"

She laughed, bumping his knee with hers. "That's just a different way of saying 'grace', Jack," she complained, rolling her eyes as she scanned the page over his shoulder.

"_Now_ who's being difficult?" he teased her. "I'm pretty sure you've found something wrong with everything I've suggested."

She bit her lip, averting her gaze to the baby. "I'm sorry, I guess I always thought when I heard her name I'd just know," she confessed, giving him an uncomfortable smile. "I just want it to be something really special, like Nathaniel was. I just hate that we have to give it up."

As much as he loved the ones he'd just listed, and all of the others that he'd checked off, he knew that she was right. They'd been through too much to get her to give her _any_ name.

He kept turning the pages until he saw something that both of them had managed to overlook.

"How about this one? Maia." It was simple but still gentle and sweet, and feminine without being too girly. "Maia Shephard." When he tried it out loud he decided that it even sounded like her.

Kate smiled. "That's pretty," she agreed.

Encouraged by her positive response, he skimmed the rest of the entry. "It means 'dream' in Sanskrit," he told her with a grin.

It was perfect. He thought that it might even be better than Nathaniel because she was more than a gift. She was a dream come true. He knew that he should be used to it by now but he still had moments where he couldn't believe that this was real, that this was his life now.

"What about you?" Kate murmured to the baby, stroking the downy curls that covered her scalp. "D'you think you can you live with Maia?"

The baby's eyes drifted open, and they both chuckled when she blinked up at them, drowsy and confused, but still enjoying having her parents' full attention.

Kate smiled up at Jack when exhaustion overtook her and she let them fall closed again. "Looks like we finally found it."

* * *

I can leave it here or with the second epilogue which (just as a little teaser) is set two years later and features Claire and Aaron as well as the Shephard clan... ;)


	22. Two and a half years later

Thanks for the reviews and words of encouragement. :D And I thought 10 was pushing it! As promised, here is the second epilogue. ;)

* * *

Two and a half years later…

"Hello? Anybody home? Jack? Mai?" Kate called as she let herself into the foyer.

The TV was off and the house was silent, deserted, until a child's muffled giggle broke the stillness. Someone whispered something that sounded like, "Sshh," and then it came again, louder and more hysterical this time, joined by a babyish gurgle.

There was an exasperated sigh and then Jack's voice called, "We're in here," and she could tell that he was trying not to crack up himself.

She followed it into the living room, turning the corner of the couch to find him sitting on the floor with Maia, helping her scribble over a sheet of construction paper, their five-month-old son Nathaniel in his lap, chewing on the end of a marker.

When she'd brought up the idea of expanding their family, he'd rejected it at first, reluctant to put them both through that again, but it hadn't taken her long to wear down his resistance.

She could still remember the look on his face as she chased him around the house brandishing their then one-year-old daughter like a weapon, trying to get him to admit that he wouldn't mind having another one just like her.

While they'd managed to conceive right away once the pressure was off, she'd braced herself for another difficult pregnancy and birth; no one was more shocked than she was when, eight months later, their second child entered the world smoothly at a little over thirty-seven weeks.

She was home with Jack and Maia for dinner the next day and so was he.

"What're you two doing?" she asked with a smile, dropping her purse on the coffee table and coming closer. She loved watching them play together, seeing the bond that they shared. If nothing else, he made sure that he was home in time to read to her before she went to sleep each night; when Nathaniel came along he would sit by her bed with him in his arms so that he could listen too.

"We made you a picture, Mommy," Maia said, putting her crayon down and glancing up from where she was squatting over the paper, her little chest puffing out with pride. "Do you like it?"

"I love it," she told her, crouching beside her and kissing the top of her, then her son's, head. "When you're done it's going straight up on the fridge."

She gave Jack a lingering kiss on the mouth when, delighted with this honour, Maia went back to decorating the page with heavy pink lines.

Though he was right about her being a girl, he was wrong when he'd predicted that she would turn out to be a tomboy. For her the best thing about having a little brother was getting a new room full of stuff, all pink and glittery, which Kate knew that Jack loved buying for her.

"How'd your appointment go?" he asked, eyeing her with surprise when she pulled back. She'd wanted to do that for days but she was afraid of contaminating him. "Was it just what the kids had?"

Both Maia and Nathaniel were still recovering from a bug their daughter had caught from one of the kids at the park. After nursing them through it, Kate had begun to feel a little under the weather herself, so she'd returned to the doctor for more antibiotics. Her symptoms didn't quite match up, so he'd ordered a blood test, which was why she'd gone to see him that morning.

She shook her head, flashing him a wary grin. "Not exactly."

She couldn't tell what he was thinking, but she could see that he was concerned when, wordlessly, he put his own crayon down and shifted Nathaniel into his bouncy chair, following her into the kitchen.

"What's going on, Kate? Is everything okay?" he pressed as soon as they were out of Maia's earshot, his dark eyes boring into hers.

She licked her lips, surprised at how nervous she was. "I'm not sick, Jack," she assured him, watching his face as she waited for him to guess her next words. She could feel the corners of her mouth turning up into a hopeful smile as she added, after a dramatic pause, "I'm pregnant."

He stared at her for a long moment and she could tell that he was just as stunned as she was.

They weren't trying for a third child. It wasn't even something that they'd made a point of discussing.

"Nay will've just turned one when this baby's born," he said when he recovered and she could almost see the wheels turning inside his head as he did the math. "Maia's gonna be three."

He didn't look unhappy, just a little overwhelmed, like she was when she found out that it wasn't the flu that was making it hard for her to keep her breakfast down.

She knew that she should have recognised it as morning sickness, after going through it twice before, but the possibility that she might be pregnant again had never entered her head. She laughed.

"What?" he asked, still looking dazed by this news.

"It's just funny how life works out sometimes," she told him with a smile, no longer trying to conceal her happiness. "It wasn't that long ago that we were ready to give up on the idea of being parents and now we're gonna have three kids under four."

She couldn't remember the last time that she'd been this terrified, but she was excited too. She loved being a mom and now she was going to get to do it a third time. "Think we can handle it?"

He grinned in response, scooping her up off the floor.

She wrapped her arms and legs around him, laughing as he peppered her face and neck with ecstatic kisses, soaking up his adoring gaze.

"Absolutely."

* * *

Maia was getting cabin fever after being cooped up in the house, so after lunch Jack called Claire and they walked to the park to meet her and Aaron, his hand wrapped around Kate's, their daughter clutching her free one while he carried their son on his hip.

Maia let go as soon as they joined them at one of the benches that surrounded the playground, toddling off after Aaron.

"Uh oh," Jack said, offering Nathaniel to Kate when she crawled up onto the swing next to his.

"It's okay, I've got it," Kate told him, getting up before either he or Claire could.

"Hey, buddy, now that you're such a big boy, how'd you like to try pushing your cousin?" she asked Aaron as she strode towards them.

She lifted her daughter into one of the toddler swings and buckled her in so that she was secure, smiling when Aaron followed her instructions, biting his lip in concentration as he focused on not pushing it too hard.

She squealed with delight as she lurched forward into the air, and satisfied that she wasn't going to fall out, Kate left them to it, sliding back onto the bench beside Jack.

He slung his arm around her shoulders, sneaking a kiss while Claire's attention was still on her son, but when this turned into a second and then a third he wasn't fast enough to keep her from noticing how affectionate they were.

"Okay, so now that the kids aren't here you have to tell me what's up with you two," she said with a laugh when Jack finally managed to tear himself away from her. "You're acting like you're in high school. Anyone would think you just got married."

Jack caught Kate's eye and she found herself sharing his grin. "You should tell her," she insisted, freeing Nathaniel from his grip and transferring him onto her own lap. She knew that she wouldn't be able to hold him like that for much longer; she was determined to make the most of it now while she still could.

"Kate's pregnant," Jack confessed, squeezing her hand where it rested over their son's chubby belly. "We thought she must've picked up the kids' flu but it turns out we were wrong."

"_Again?_" Claire teased them, but she was smiling. "You guys are turning into quite the baby factory. Soon I'm going to have more nieces and nephews than I know what to do with."

"This'll be the last one," Jack assured her, but Kate raised her eyebrow at him, fixing him with a mock challenging look.

"Will it, Jack?"

"Are you saying you want more than _three_?" he asked, his eyes widening into an incredulous expression.

"I was just thinking we're gonna need one more to make things even again," she explained, a satisfied smile creeping onto her face at the thought of filling their house with children, glad that Maia wouldn't have to suffer the same lonely childhood that she had. "Don't you think it'd be nice to have two of each? Maia could have a sister and Nay could have a brother…"

"I guess we can _talk_ about it," he agreed, trying to keep up his pretence of reluctance, but as she watched, his face lit up into a slow smile and she could see that she was winning him over with this idea. She knew that he'd love at least one more little girl to dote on. If he had his way they'd probably have two.

She beamed at him and he kissed her again, carefully at first, then more vigour, so that she was convinced Claire was going to tell them to get a room.

He gave her a languid smile as he drew back, cupping her face in his hands. "You know, I'd have ten kids with you if it'd make you as happy as you are right now."

"Aw, that's so sweet," Claire piped up as, with one final kiss, her released her, smirking at them when they shot sheepish glances in her direction. "But I think ten might be a little much for you to deal with unless you want to quit your job, Jack."

"She's right," Kate agreed. "Four is plenty." She grinned, resting her chin on top of her son's head, against his dark curls as she wrapped her arms tighter around him. "Four is perfect."

* * *

Okay, so that's the real end this time. Thanks again for your encouragement. ;)


End file.
